Of all the things I dislike is the psych ward. That pce was worse than hell for me. I just had to be saved. I ended up being more miserable because of it. Here I am treated as nothing more than a kid, I know I was still a child back then, but it was like I had no rationality to think for myself or the power to make an independent choice for myself.

  I am in the hallway with a few nurses.

  “No, you can’t do that”- I grabbed a knife to spread some jam and butter on a piece of bread, yea, they gave me food in the form of some sweets. Sugar and other sweets are known to improve mood

  “I am just spreading jam on a piece of bread, what did I do wrong?”- At least I could spread the jam and butter, the nurse grabbed the knife from my hand with incredible speed

  “Well, we can’t let you use objects that you can harm yourself with”- I was given a spoon instead, well, this will do as well. Up until now, things had been good, just a few annoying rules but all of this is about to change pretty quickly. Not everyone in the psych ward is that friendly to me, or people that tried to commit suicide in general.

  “Why do you even bother with him?”- Another nurse that is passing through spoke.

  “Just leave the kid alone”- One of the nurses spoke in my defense.

  “I hate brats like them, ungrateful little shits, daring to take the lives that their parents gave them, people like him trample over the sanctity and gift that life is”- What’s the deal with this bitch?

  “A gift my ass”- I whispered under my breath

  “It is a gift you ungrateful little shit”- She hit hard with her elbow on the back of my neck, I saw that hit from miles away, and I was ready with a fork and stabbed her in the shoulder with it.

  “You little!!!”- I dashed back from her, my neck still hurts.

  She pressed a little panic button, that’s in case a patient attacked you or something, I was acting in self-defense in this case, but, oh well, I was carried by the guards at the psych ward back to my room.

  I can hear a knock on my door half an hour ter

  “Hikaru Tanaka, is it?”- A doctor from the psych ward came into the room I was held in

  The room has a white wall painted with flowers, they do look beautiful, but given my situation, I can’t really appreciate the beauty that much.

  “Yes, that’s me. What is it about now?”- I looked around the room, there are only a few objects in the room, a table a spoon, and a bowl of soup.

  “Well, don’t worry about the incident in the hall, the nurses told me everything. But I am here to ask you a few questions”

  “What sort of questions?”- I replied while looking around the room.

  “Well, about you and your health. How are you feeling?”- Well, that’s a dumb question, I still feel like crap.

  “What do you mean by that exactly?”- I have to choose my words carefully, or not, what will happen if I tell the truth to them?

  “Like, do you still feel that you want to die, things like that? If you still need time to think I can come ter”- I still want to die.

  I don’t understand society itself, what did we do to society to deserve to be treated like this? I am now speaking from my perspective as an adult, but back then I still realized it but couldn’t express it.

  What’s so beneficial about being alive? What’s the gift in all of it? I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask for this gift, no, 2 idiots decided to get into bed and not use protection because of what? Society or family imposed that on them? How is having children any good? We are just imposing life on other innocent people and when they want to exit this life we call them crazy and throw them in psych wards? I never can understand people who think having children is a good thing and then when their child dies before them it’s considered a tragedy by the rest of the world, but no, it’s not a tragedy, those bastards had it coming for a long time, they don’t deserve any sympathy from anyone, they were the ones who put that child in the position to die in the first pce by giving birth to them.

  Another thing I hate about society is how they live as a good thing or as a gift, it disgusts me to no end. I can cracks in the logic they always put forth, “What about the good things in life?”, what about them? Suffering here is a given, but pleasure isn’t. Life never was a good thing to begin with, back then I could see it in old and adult people. When you grow up and become an adult you have to get a job, you can’t survive without money in this world, but then the job takes most of your time, and you have no time to “enjoy” your life if you ever could do that, and then when you get a paycheck you barely have enough to do the things you like, all the money go on bills. And for old people, why would you like to live until you get old? I don’t get it at all. When you are old your body decays, it becomes weaker, and your mind fades away, is this the future that people want? Just for them to grow old, decay, and die in pain?

  I could never understand that, even at that age, my mind is decaying and there is nothing I could do, by the time I was 16 I started to realize and think this.

  “Are you listening to me Hikaru?”- The doctor spoke in a soft and gentle voice. I think I was more fixed on my ideas at that time than speaking with him.

  “Yes, I am listening. And the answer is yes. I still want to die”- I looked at the ground, avoiding eye contact with him.

  “Unfortunate, but why do you want to die?”

  “It’s pretty simple because I want to”- The doctor looked at me puzzled

  “That doesn’t make that much sense to me”- Of course it wouldn’t, these people have the most fucked up logic that there is.

  “Why do you want to live doctor?”- I want to see his answer

  “Well, I like life and I want to live”- The most typical bullshit answer

  “That doesn’t make much sense either, now, does it? How come me wanting to die and not enjoying life makes no sense but you simply liking life makes sense? I don’t see where it makes sense”- I looked at him frowning.

  “Let’s leave this for another time. You will spend a few more days here and you will be released”- That was a bold-faced lie, I spent 1 whole month there, fuck him and everyone who worked there.

  I was getting treated worse by the nurses there as time went by, I won’t really mention how I was treated but it was really back, I don’t really want to remember that much about that time.