I wonder, what made me this way?

  It’s very, don’t know how to say it, shameful might be the right word. I am remembering something, about my past.

  “Hikaru, I don’t know how to say it but, you ck willpower. Hana has more willpower than you!”- My dad gave me a stern look.

  “Whatever, you can’t understand me”- I turned my head away from him. I am doing some homework that I missed while I was in the psych ward. Why does he keep pestering me like this?

  “What about Hana? If she has more willpower than me, then good for her!”- She isn’t around to hear us talking about her, but it’s still annoying.

  “She is a girl, but has more strength than you in every aspect, it’s shameful to see that. You are a man, you are supposed to be strong. But no, you are just a weak coward who wants to take the easy way out”- He is starting to piss me off, what does my being a man have to do with me not liking life?

  “Can you shut up Dad! I am sick of you and your traditional values. Leave me the fuck alone!”- I screamed at him as loud as I could.

  “You dare raise your voice at me?”- My dad looked at me with bloodshot eyes, it looks like his eyes are about to explode.

  “I dare to. What about it? Tell me. What about it? What about me being a man? Does that mean I have to bend to whatever you have to say?”- I screamed back at him, I was gasping for air, my neck still didn’t fully heal so my voice was a little deeper than usual

  “Don’t you dare disrespect me!”- He raised his right hand.

  “Stop it!”- Hana ran at Dad and grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard, Hana immobilized my father and is holding him on the ground by his neck.

  “Don’t dare hurt Hikaru. You aren’t doing anything to help”- Hana loosened her grip on my dad.

  “Hana?”- He looked at her surprised.

  “I was listening this whole time to what you 2 were talking about. I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!”- Hana is looking at my dad straight into his eyes. The commotion made my mom want to check out what happened.

  “What the hell happened here?”- She looked at Hana and my dad.

  “Mom, Dad wanted to hit Hikaru. I stopped him. He had no good reason to hit him. “- Hana let go of him, my dad is gasping for air.

  “Just why?”- My mother looked at my dad

  “He is bringing shame to our family, what should I say to other people? My son was a coward and killed himself!”

  “I hate weak men like you”- Hana looked at my dad with hatred rising in her eyes.

  “I am weak? Look at Hikaru. Taking the coward’s way out of life, why are you defending him? He made you suffer more than we did!”- Hana paused for a second and looked at me, then looked back at my father.

  “It doesn’t matter. Look, Hikaru is struggling with something, he needs help, you are pushing him deeper into a pit of misery he won’t be able to exit if you continue with this. This is my first and st warning to you Dad. Whenever I am around I will stop you from hitting Hikaru. I don’t care about honor and how people see me or Hikaru. I treasure our health more than reputation or honor or whatever you are talking there about!”- Hana is standing up for me, defending me. I wouldn’t have expected that. I expected that she will be as mad as possible at me, but no. She isn’t mad.

  Things cooled off after 1 hour or 2. I don’t remember thing exactly but my dad didn’t talk to me for a few months, well I didn’t talk to him for more months.

  I am sitting at a table with Hana, we are reading a light novel that has recently come out, it’s pretty good actually.

  “Hey, Hikaru. Can I tell you something?”- Hana is sitting next to me while we are reading.

  “Sure. I got something to tell you as well”- I think I got to tell her something as well. I am sorry for how much I hurt her, and for how much I will be going to hurt her with my future attempts.

  “You go first Hikaru”- She extended her left hand toward me.

  “I am sorry for the amount of pain I caused you during the st month”- I bowed down to Hana.

  “Don’t be stupid. I forgive you, no need to bow”- Hana patted my head.

  “I don’t know if I can tell you about all of my feelings, I am afraid you won’t understand”- No one understands me. I don’t think Hana will understand me either. No matter what I do I feel like there is no one to understand me and what I think.

  All of the people that I had met had the same notion of life, that life is a gift and you are automatically irrational if you don’t like or want to exit it.

  “It’s true, I don’t understand your feelings fully. But I want you to be happy. That’s all I want from you”- Hana pced her hands on my shoulders.

  “You want me to be happy?”- I looked back at her

  “Yes, I want you as happy as you can be. You look tired. Have a rest”- She pulled me in her p. I am looking up at her.

  “Hana, what is this?”- Why am I remembering this right now? It’s not the first time Hana has done this, no, she has done this multiple times

  “Just sleep. Maybe you will feel better”- At that time it felt good, so good. Even tho Hana couldn’t understand me at that time.

  It felt like all my stress is going away. I am lightweight. It feels so good and warm