I had to rebuy the silver to keep the lead the same.

  But even as I did it, I knew I was only delaying the inevitable.

  Tao chose the next cup.

  It’s bronze.

  I know it is. I can feel it and sense it with my entire being. But I can’t fold at one. I have to steal for two. Even though I know I’m going to lose a point, the simple fact that there’s still a silver coin lurking somewhere forces me to stick to the two-point value principle. Steal it and lose a point, or try to outplay Tao by folding at one.

  It’s all just this overcomplicated chain of turns and counterturns that come from the single idea that Tao knows I have to steal for two.

  And there’s nothing I can do about it.

  “Beric steals for two,” Adam said.

  I had believed that things were going well. It really did feel like things were going as I had planned.

  Or was that all just the result from a wrong assumption?

  “And since it’s a bronze coin,” he continued.

  My chest tightened.

  “Beric loses a point, making the lead between the two ten to eight.”

  It’s getting slowly worse and worse. It’s just like a leak in a boat I’m pretending I can patch with my hands.

  “Beric, it’s your turn.”

  Now I have to choose.

  The unmarked cup had held the silver earlier, so it was reasonable to guess that one of the other unmarked ones still held the last silver.

  But even that feels like nothing more than a hopeful assumption that’ll probably drag me down even further.

  “The best way to ensure that an unconfident opponent will stay and be willing to bet is to make them think everything is going to work out for them.” Tao said.

  He looked directly at me.

  “Does that sound familiar to you?”

  I don’t really have any specific characteristics, honestly. Besides being a gloomy guy who bounces between being an arrogant prick and a moody edgelord, I’m really not that special.

  But I always felt like I was pretty smart. And I liked that feeling.

  “You thought that because you came up with a merely unique plan, you relied on the possibility that you were different to achieve a different result.”

  Maybe I liked that feeling a little too much. It felt like I wanted everyone to see it, like I needed them to.

  That’s why I did all of that. You know, rambling on and on about some supposed master plan, forcing everybody to sit there and listen to whole monologues about the “ingenuity” and careful planning behind it.

  It’d be boring to have to sit through all of that.

  ……..Sorry.

  “But you never were different. You’re just like the rest of them. You were overconfident in yourself, or at least in the faulty belief that you had reason to be, never realizing that that alone proved you weren’t truly confident. You’d be scared, terrified even, if the one thing you clung to, the thing that made you think you were special, could be snapped apart by a single gust of wind.”

  I can try to justify all of it—those paragraphs and monologues where I explained every step, every prediction—by insisting that you could only understand it if I laid out every detail, exactly, word for word, on how it worked.

  But that was just me being arrogant.

  I treated you like some idiot who needed pages and pages of explanations to grasp even a fraction of what happened.

  That’s not right.

  “I was able to get a good grasp of you as the game went on,” Tao continued with a bored voice. “Thanks to my act of letting you believe your little plan was working. Beric Bome, the player sitting in front of me, is a naive child who, due to his somewhat higher intelligence, believes he can win in any intelligence-based activity. He’s become so convinced by this delusion that even though he knows what he truly is, he chooses to hide that truth by convincing himself it’s all an act to lower his opponents’ guard. He really thinks it’s a disguise, when in reality, his delusions have blurred his genuine thoughts.”

  I chose an unmarked cup.

  It was bronze.

  I found it hard to even feel proud of that.

  “But, Beric,” Tao said while folding, “truth be told, I did find it odd.”

  I kept the bronze coin, and the score stayed ten to eight.

  “Why are you here? It can’t be for something as obvious as money. Your reaction earlier proved that. Something so fragile as money can’t provoke such strong emotions.”

  I was here to buy weapons from Volk.

  “Is it perhaps revenge?” he wondered aloud, tapping his fingers rhythmically on the table. “Do you want to reclaim Volk’s honor? Considering what he did for you earlier, it wouldn’t be wrong to assume you two know each other.”

  You’re close.

  Of course you’re close.

  You always are. You just know everything, don’t you?

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  Tao glanced around the room, humming lightly as if pondering something trivial. “What could it be, what could it be…....”

  He stopped when his eyes landed on Mayern and the others.

  “Ah.”

  What about them?

  “You seemed distraught at the idea of forfeiting,” he said. “Such a reaction can come from many things. Anger, excitement, or-” He looked straight at me. “You simply wanted them to see more.”

  What are you talking about?

  Tao smiled. “No one likes being embarrassed, especially someone whose confidence is as fragile as yours.”

  What is he saying?

  “Do you know what I’m hinting at?”

  I don’t.

  You do.

  …………You’re finally back.

  I disappear for a bit and I come back to find you losing to some washed up man over a game of cups. Disappointing as always, Beric.

  Now’s really not the time.

  It never is. You just have to get used to it.

  What do you want?

  The old man’s right.

  About what?

  *sigh* You’re really not going to say it?

  Say what? You keep on-

  What did you feel when you sat at the table with them? With Mayern, Malo, Kaelyn, Corven, Nyra, Zachary, and Noll?

  How did I feel?

  I guess……..I felt out of place. I mean it was obvious how close of a group of friends they were. I’m just some kid who randomly joined a friend group of teenagers. I didn’t really contribute much to their conversations, and I didn’t really see a point in talking much.

  Yes, the same antisocial mumbo jumbo you’ve been preaching for so long now. But I’m not talking about that.

  I’m talking about what you felt when you realized it.

  What I felt when I realized it.

  At first, nothing came to mind.

  The vibe had been fine. It was actually pretty nice listening to their friendly banter, the easy jokes they tossed around, the real attempts they made to make me feel welcome.

  But maybe that was exactly why I suddenly felt out of place.

  Because I didn’t feel like I belonged in such a warm space.

  If I actually acted on their welcome, if I tried to join in, I felt like I’d just make things awkward. Like stepping into a room where everything fits except you.

  The group was fine as it was.

  There was no point in me joining.

  So that's it.

  It didn’t feel good thinking I was a nuisance. It didn’t feel good forcing myself to stay quiet, trying not to interrupt anyone. It sucked knowing that even if I was wrong, I was too much of an idiot to do anything about it.

  I wasn’t meant to be in this group.

  And I was both angry and sad about that, but I was also..............

  Jealous of them.

  Seeing a fun group of people your real age, it makes you remember your past life. The one with that long-forgotten group you were actually part of.

  And we both know how that ended.

  I wanted to be in a group again.

  But I was terrified of having to leave one again.

  And even though you carry that stupid fear, you carry an even bigger, even stupider dream of joining another one. That’s why you’re torn apart all the time, wanting to fit in but also wanting to back away to keep yourself safe.

  Though honestly, you’ve always been like this.

  Even if I couldn’t join them, I at least wanted to be friends.

  And you know how dangerous having friends can be. You have every reason to be wary because of what happened back then. But the moment you find people you want to befriend, because of this new life, because of this delusion that things could be different, you let yourself get carried away by the idea that maybe you could have friends again.

  That you could be in another group.

  That you could belong again.

  It’s annoying being like this.

  And I know it’s annoying to you too.

  You wanted so desperately to believe you were being steadfast and logical about all of it that you even lied to yourself. You convinced yourself you weren’t doing this for them.

  For them?

  Sitting at a table with geniuses whose talent is so natural it makes you question why you even gave up your soul in the first place……...and then all your envy and self-hatred started boiling. You wanted confirmation that your pitiful effort, your foolish sacrifice, amounted to something.

  You needed their looks of approval.

  But I did get it. I beat Malo.

  Are you sure? Was that really enough?

  Malo wasn’t even fighting at his full potential, and everyone knew it. If he had been, they wouldn’t be joking about him losing to a child.

  Even you knew that.

  ……....I needed more.

  Exactly. You needed more approval.

  So, when you heard about the game, the one they all lost in, you saw your chance. If you could win, maybe they’d see you differently, in even a whole new light. A light bright enough that perhaps, they’d even be willing to let you into their group.

  A group where you wouldn’t feel out of place.

  Where you wouldn’t feel the need to keep yourself separate.

  So, saying it was for Volk’s weapons, it was a lie.

  Not a full lie, but it was definitely a cover.

  I looked over at the group.

  I saw Malo’s pained expression as he recognized the look of despair on my face.

  I saw Mayern’s worried eyes as he tried to keep up with the complicated plays.

  I saw Kaelyn’s confused but anxious look as the score was read out.

  I saw Corven’s nervous little smile, trying so hard to be encouraging.

  I saw Nyra’s hopeful nod, gentle and quiet.

  I saw Noll’s usual bored look crumble into something awkward as he scratched his head.

  And I saw Zachary’s confident grin falter into a shaky half-smile when he glanced back at me.

  They all looked genuinely concerned.

  But I already knew they were good people.

  I’ve known that from the start.

  And yet, when I went with Kaelyn to meet them, I secretly hoped they weren’t.

  I hoped they’d be cocky, disrespectful teenagers so I could vent everything on them. I hoped they’d be the kind of people I could easily blame my problems on. I really, honestly wished that.

  And that’s why I felt so disgusted with myself when I saw they weren’t like that at all.

  That’s why I wanted to isolate myself when they welcomed me with those bright smiles.

  I didn’t fit in with them.

  And even though it’s wrong, so stupid, so hypocritical…......

  I still—

  I still wanted to.

  Oh.

  Okay, I get it.

  That’s why I’m playing this game.

  I wanted to give them more reasons to think I was cool. I wanted to convince myself I wasn’t just some brat craving attention. I wanted to win so I could prove I was intelligent enough to deserve praise.

  I wanted them to like me.