Lucas.

  Months followed. I heard nothing. And to pay our bills I took a job as wedding cameraman. It was frustrating. It was boring, but it paid the bills.

  In the same time we made our garden great. And the extension to our house was built. The contractor made one of the rooms into a nursery. So that as soon as we would expect a baby, we would be ready for it right away.

  For me everything seemed hopeful. But I saw changes in Sophia. As if the certainty wasn't there for her. I found hidden pregnancy tests in the trash can. All negative. Something she didn't tell me about. I let it go. I would bring it up if it was necessary.

  I kept writing on the film I wanted to make. Which now finally began to take shape. "I don't understand why you cast someone else for your role, Luke. You should play it yourself," she said, as she so often did when I let her read the changes.

  "I'm not interesting, Phitje," I said and kissed her neck.

  "I think you are," she said teasingly.

  "Who of us is not objective now?" I said, kissing her again.

  "You never are. So now it's my turn for once?"

  I laughed softly. "You can do everything," I said to her.

  She laughed softly. "Also leave?" she said with a naughty look in her eyes.

  "Yes, you can. I won't stop you," I said, moving my kisses to her shoulder. "But I hope you just stay with me."

  She lifted my face up with her finger and kissed me. "I'm not going anywhere," she said. Although I saw something in her eyes that I couldn't place. I decided to keep an eye on it in silence. And just enjoy being together with her.

  Sophia

  Another month passed. I had secretly bought a test again. A whole year. That should be enough to finally expect a baby, right? I looked at the test. The hope that had built up disappeared again. Again it was negative. ten times in a row. A year now. A year long we tried to get pregnant. But still nothing.

  I felt more worthless with the day. And with every negative test it felt like I was failing as a wife. And a failed woman. Women are supposed to be able to get pregnant without hassle, right? Otherwise we did something wrong.

  I breathed deeply a few times to not start crying. I hid from Lucas that I did pregnancy tests. I didn't want him to know that I paid more attention to it than he thought necessary.

  I took four deep breaths again. Folded the test in toilet paper and walked out of the toilet. "You were gone for a bit," said Lucas. I nodded. "A bit of stomach ache, but it's over," I said smiling. I walked outside and threw the test in the trash bin. Another month gone by.

  Meanwhile i was past the idea that it would be fine. I didn't want to discuss that with Lucas. I didn't want to take that feeling away from him. But I had to talk to someone. Joyce would tell him right away. And Jonas was also a blabbermouth.

  I decided to confess it to Peter. He had to keep it secret then and I would be rid of it. "I'm going out for a bit," I said to Lucas. He hugged me, deeper than he normally did. "Where are you going?" he asked.

  "I don't know yet," I lied.

  "Okay. Have fun then."

  That was what I loved so much about Lucas.i was free. I could do and go what and where I wanted. He trusted me. I kissed him, maybe a bit longer than normal. "If there's something, Phi," he said, stroking my hair. "I'm there for you, right. We can discuss everything."

  I nodded. "I know that." I kissed him one more time and left.

  I soon arrived at my brother's church I went straight into the confessional. The curtain opened. I couldn't see who was in the other booth. "I come here to lighten my heavy heart," I said. I looked through the screened window and saw who was there nodding.

  "I ask you for advice." Again the person next to me nodded. "My husband and I want a baby. We've been trying for a year, but…" I sobbed for a moment. "I just don't get pregnant." I sobbed again.

  "The answer seems clear to me," said the person next to me. It was my brother Martin's voice. Instead of that of my half-brother Peter.

  "You denied your calling as a woman of the Lord. You married. Then you went to school. Instead of fulfilling your duties." He snapped. I couldn't see him well through the privacy mesh of the confessional. But he sounded all-knowing. "You are worthless." His words cut into my heart. "What do you have to offer your actor?" he snapped at me. "The purpose of a woman is to provide a future." He snapped. "And a future means having children," he added.

  "What Worth do you have for your actor now? What are you worth if you can't even bear him something ?" Tears rolled down my cheeks. "You have nothing to offer the lord. Worthless woman. And your actor just as little. With your endless empty womb. Leave my church." I couldn't get up for a moment. Did he have a point? Was I worthless to Lucas? I had been taught that the church was right. But I didn't want to believe that. I wanted to believe that I had value.

  "Don't you hear me?" shouted Martin. "Disappear. In my church there is no place for worthless, barren women." I managed to get up and walk away. I just drove home. A sentence kept haunting through my head: "What do you have to offer your Actor? What are you worth if you can't bear him something?" What was I worth? What did i have to offer Lucas? I couldn't give him a child? Tears streamed down my cheeks like a rain shower. Martin was right. I was a worthless woman to Lucas. No matter how much I loved him. Maybe it was better if I left.

  Lucas

  I heard the door open. "Hey, are you back?" I asked. I always found it a pleasant feeling when she came home after doing something for herself. Then she was safe again.

  "Yes," she said and walked away without looking at me. Her voice sounded depressed. As if she had cried hard.

  "Phi?" I stood up. This felt weird. She never reacted with just 'yes', she always told me something.

  "Phi, is there something?" I asked.

  "No," she said quickly and walked to the toilet and closed it.

  I sighed softly. Another negative test then. I knew

  "Sophia?" I stepped closer to the door.

  "Leave me," she said. I heard tears in her voice.

  "Sophia!" I repeated.

  "No," she said. "Leave me alone." Her breathing shaky.

  "I'm coming in. You're scaring me," I said. I used a teaspoon to open the lock.

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  What I found was heart-wrenching. She sat in the shower cabin with her back against the wall. Her legs pulled up and her head on her knees and she cried terribly.

  "Sophia. sweety." I sat next to her and took her in my arms. "What is it?" I asked, even though I knew she was too upset to talk. "I'm here," I said and stroked her back. After half an hour she finally calmed down.

  "Is it a bit better now?" I asked softly. She nodded weakly. "I'm here if you want to talk about it." She nodded again.

  "Do you still love me?" she asked. This was a strange question. Of course I loved her. I was still crazy about her.

  "Of course," I answered and kissed her hair.

  "Even if I'm everything? If I can't give you anything more?" she asked.

  "What are you talking about?" I asked. I probably knew what she meant.

  "If this remains our whole family because I can't give anything more." She sobbed. "If I can't have children. Will you still love me?" She looked at me with tearful eyes.

  I took her in my arms. For me that was no question that ever lived in me. "Of course, Phitje. I love you. Nothing changes that." I felt her sob.

  "What happened?" I asked again. Not because I had to know the truth. I just wanted to understand why she was so upset.

  "Is it because of those tests of yours?" She looked at me. "You know about that?" she asked.

  I nodded. "You can't hide as much from me as you think," I said, taking her deeply in my arms again.

  "But it's okay. I understand it. You need that. So I said nothing. But now it's breaking you, Sophia. And I can't approve of that anymore." I kissed her tears away.

  "It wasn't the test," she said. "But I don't want to talk about what it was."

  I ran my hand through her fiery red curls. "I'm worried."

  She shook her head. "Not necessary."

  I lifted her chin. "Yes it is. I've never seen you collapse like this. What broke you so?"

  She shook her head. "Please trust me."

  I sighed for a moment. "Alright then. On one condition. If whatever it is breaks you like this again, you tell me everything."

  She nodded. "Okay." I took her in my arms again. "And if you ever want to talk about it, I'm right there."

  I heard her sobbing softly at night. I got more worried by the minute. What had upset her so much? She wasn't a weak woman who cried at the slightest thing. She was strong and tough. Something must have penetrated her being and broken her down in the deepest part of it. What if whatever it was had damaged her too much?

  A few days later Peter stood at the door. He looked a bit grim. Sophia was at work, even though she had slept terribly.

  "Sophia isn't here," I said. Peter nodded and stepped inside.

  "I'm coming for you and that's not social, Lucas," he said.

  "What's going on?" I asked.

  "I think you'd better sit down." This scared me.

  "Is there something with Sophia?" I asked anxiously. "It's not bad, right?" I asked right after. "Say something!"

  Peter looked at me quite calmly. "You know better how my sister is than I do, Lucas." I nodded and sat down. "What then?"

  Peter took something out of his trouser pocket. "Remember: I'm only the messenger." He put it on the table. It was a small memo recorder. "Martin went to my father with this. I'll explain the rest in a bit."

  I pressed play. What I heard was terrible.

  "WORTHLESS?!" I bellowed. "How dare he call her worthless?" I bellowed further. "What gives him the right?" I shouted.

  "What do you want to do with this?" asked Peter.

  "I want to kick that stupid head of his in. I want him to tell me what gave him the damn right to call my wife, my one true love, worthless!" I stood up. Peter held me back.

  "That won't get you anywhere!" he said and pushed me back on the couch.

  "He broke confessional secrecy," he explained. "That's a form of breach of confidentiality. The church won't accept that. And that recording is without permission. That's punishable. Year in jail and 30 thousand fine, automatic ban from office." He looked at me. "Then Sophia can also take him civilly, compensation for immaterial damage."

  "And what good does that do?" I asked. "That he gets punished and you don't go to jail for assault."

  "But Peter, a procedure. She's already tormented. I don't want to ruin her completely." Peter nodded thoughtfully. "I can set everything up on her behalf, but she has to sign off on it," he explained. "I'll present that to her," I said. "After this I want nothing more to do with her family except for you." I snapped. I don't know if I meant it a hundred percent. But it felt that way for a moment.

  Peter nodded. "Thanks for the trust in me," he said. "You're different. You always were on our side." I sighed. "Thanks to you I was allowed to marry her." He put his hand on my shoulder for a moment and left.

  I decided to get something for Sophia. To show her what she was worth. Namely everything. In the city I walked around for a long time, nothing was good enough. Until I saw a solid silver star with diamond edges in the window of a jeweler. It was a pendant, about the size of 20 cents. It was perfect.

  I bought it and had it wrapped for her. Then I drove home, hoping she was already there. I would show her how much she was worth to me. At least as much as I could. Because showing someone they are of inestimable value costs more than a silver star. But it was the best I could do right now.

  I had just gotten home when my phone rang. "Lucas de Witte," I said.

  "Mr. de Witte, you're speaking with Nicole de Raaf," said the voice on the other end of my phone. "Junior buyer from Videoland. We watched your pilot. We were impressed with the story and the raw talent in your cast. We want to smooth out a few things before we can talk about the budget. When does that suit you?"

  I was stunned for a moment. I hadn't heard anything for half a year after recording the pilot and my pitch meetings. And exactly at this moment Videoland called.

  "As soon as possible," I just said.

  "Wednesday morning at half past nine? Can you bring your charming lead actress?" the woman asked.

  "Yes of course," I said surprised.

  "See you then." She hung up. Getting Sophia along would be difficult. I quickly called Teddy and explained the situation. He was fine with lending his 'favorite teacher' for a bit. Now I had to present it to her.

  Sophia

  I came home. Teddy told me I didn't have to come on Wednesday. Was my job now also about to snap? Ah, that could be added too. I was a worthless wife. And woman, because apparently I couldn't have children. Lucas hadn't heard anything more about his series. Surely also because of me. Because Joyce, Jonas, Sam and the kids were great. So he couldn't save money for his film about Aruba either. And finally, as the icing on the cake, I would lose my job. So we could lose our house. Perfect, right?

  I walked in exhausted. "Hey there, beauty," I heard Lucas say. I screwed on a smile.

  "Good day at work?" I nodded. "But probably one of the last."

  He looked at me surprised. "Why?" he asked.

  "Teddy told me not to come in on Wednesday. I'll probably get fired," I said.

  "Maybe i should become a housewife then," I mumbled after. "Maybe then we are allowed to have a child," I whispered. I felt tears prick.

  "Sweetie, we need to talk." Lucas said. my day would probebly end even worse. 'shure,' I thought for a moment. 'My life is already a mess. Losing the last light of my life would just top it off .' I sighed deeply and sat down, bracing myself for what was about to happen. I was sure that the last thing I still had, Lucas's love, would now collapse too.

  "Yes, tell me." I heard my voice break.

  "There are quite a few things, so I start with the least nice one." He came to me. "I've heard what your brother said." He took my hand. "He's going to pay for that, I swear to you. But that comes later. Peter can do that for us, if you want," he said.

  "Secondly. I've made an appointment with a fertility doctor. If we want, he can examine us in two weeks."

  I nodded. "Yes, I want that."

  He laughed. I savored his laugh and his beautiful eyes for a moment. Two weeks then. Still two weeks I could have him. After that he would surely be done with me. A damaged woman who couldn't give him anything. He told me he would keep loving me. But I understood very well that if it was definitive, he couldn't anymore.

  "Good. Then afterwards we can see what we need, because my dear darling there are more ways how we can have a child." He stroked my cheek. Some hope began to build in me.

  "Third," he said and he put something in the palm of my hand.

  "That's for you. I saw it in the city and thought: yes, that's exactly what my Sophia is." In my hand lay a necklace with a beautiful silver star on it, edged with diamonds.

  "Before you say something, I want to mention the last one," he said.

  "You're not losing your job. I called Teddy if I could borrow you on Wednesday. Because I got called. Wednesday I have an important meeting with Videoland about my..." He shook his head. "Our series. And they asked if you could come along. If you want, you're free on Wednesday."

  I didn't know how to react for a moment. This was too much all at once.

  "Lucas, this is a bit too much all together."

  He took the star from my hand and put it on me. "I understand that. Alright then, the most important one." He looked at me with so much love in his eyes. "You." He stroked my hair. "The most beautiful. Sweetest. Most valuable star in my life." He kissed me.

  "What do you want?" he asked. "Do you want to find out if we can have children naturally?"

  I nodded. "Yes." Even though I was deadly afraid that I would lose him because of it. I wanted to know if I could ever have a child.

  He kissed me again. "Room for one more thing?"

  I nodded. "Yes, because you mentioned Videoland."

  He laughed. "They called me. They see potential in Hanna's Chaos." This made me excited.

  "If you want to come along, like they asked me, we have a meeting there on Wednesday. But if you can't emotionally, then..." I kissed him deeply.

  "I'm coming," I said.

  He smiled. "See. You are my star," he said and hugged me.

  "That other stuff, that's secondary now," he said. I nodded. "Tell that after dinner. First we're going to celebrate that Videoland wants to hear us." He hugged me tighter. Somewhere this felt like a turning point. It was now only the not getting pregnant that overshadowed my heart. But no one was allowed to notice that. Especially not Lucas. So it was smiling and pretending everything was fine.