Chapter 1: “Welcome to Happy Town, You Poor Soul.”

  OPENING SCENE: PHONE CALL — RUDY’S APARTMENT

  (Muted tones, awkward silence. Rudy sits alone with packed bags. Her phone rings. She picks it up nervously.)

  Dad (voice over, distorted): “You should go. Happy Town’s… safe. You need to smile more. Enjoy yourself. It’s paid for!!!”

  Rudy: “…It’s not about money, Mr. Volkov.”

  Dad: “Rudy. Please. Just… try. For me.”

  (Click. Call ends. Rudy stares blankly ahead.)

  Now (CUT TO:)

  EXT. HAPPY TOWN – DAY

  (Bright, cartoonish environment. Bizarre buildings. A butterfly explodes in the background for no reason.)

  Sign: “Welcome to Happy Town (No Refunds)”

  (Rudy steps off a bus. Her clothes and bag are baggy in contrast to the surroundings. Toon-style sound effects play with every footstep.)

  SCENE 1: MEETING PRINCESS

  (PRINCESS is waiting by a banner that reads “HAPPY YOU EXIST DAY!” It’s crooked.)

  Princess (cheerfully): “Rudy Volkov! The last contestant! I mean—new citizen! Welcome!!”

  Rudy: “…Contestant?”

  Princess: “Nothing!! Teehee~ Let me show you your house!”

  (Cue Wii Music-style jingle.)

  SCENE 2: MEETING THE NEIGHBORS

  (They pass various odd residents doing odd things. A man is talking to his mailbox. Another character is shadowboxing a lemon.)

  STIX (sitting on top of Rudy’s house, smoking a “candy cane” cigarette):

  “Newbie alert. Did the trauma bus drop you off or what?”

  Princess: “Stix… manners.”

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  Stix: “Fine. Hi. I’m Stix. I light things on fire when bored, heh. And you, shortie?”

  Rudy: “…Rudy.”

  (Rudy flinches as someone sets off a tiny firecracker nearby. Her breathing spikes a bit. Cut to black-and-white flash of a warzone sound. Cut back. She stiffens.)

  Princess (gently): “Hey… you okay?”

  Rudy: “…Just tired.”

  SCENE 3: QUACKQUACK CHAOS TIME (QUICK-FIRE INTRODUCTIONS)

  (Door bursts open. Enter QUIBBLE, dressed like a Jester and juggling plasma balls.)

  Quibble: “Is it me, or is it the tragedy of man itself?! Either way—hi new girl! Wanna see my “rubber” chicken collection?”

  Carrie (peeking from behind him, waving): “H-Hello! I like your… existence.”

  Rudy: “…Is everyone here like this?”

  Wade (from a puddle, off-screen): “No.”

  (Pause.)

  Rudy: “…Who said that?”

  SCENE 4: HOUSE TOUR CHAOS

  (Rudy is shown her house. Inside is a couch, a toaster with googly eyes, and a portrait of a screaming Cucumber.)

  Princess: “It’s not haunted anymore!”

  Stix (from outside): “Only on Tuesdays. HAHAHA IM SO FUNNIE.”

  (Zora walks in sipping coffee. Completely unfazed.)

  Zora: “Shut the fuck up Stix. Anyways. If it bites you, just bite back.”

  Stix: “Huh? ‘It’? Wait—“

  Rudy: “…I have questions.”

  Zora: “I don’t have answers. But I do have CDs.”

  (Hands Rudy a mixtape labeled: “Cursed Lo-fi Beats to Disassociate To”)

  SCENE 5: FIRST NIGHT – QUIET PAIN

  (Rudy lies in bed. She stares at the ceiling. Firecrackers pop in the distance. Her hands shake. A faint tune plays—a warped version of a lullaby.)

  (A knock at her door.)

  Carrie (softly): “Are you… lonely?”

  (Beat.)

  Rudy: “…Yeah.”

  (Carrie enters, sits beside her. Doesn’t speak. Just hums a strange, slow, cartoonish melody.)

  Rudy: “I feel like I’ve been sent here for something else.. but.. I might like this a little.. maybe..”

  FINAL SHOT: TITLE CARD TRANSITION

  (The moon turns and winks. A shooting star explodes into confetti.)

  Narrator (Deadpan): “Welcome to Happy Town. Don’t unpack your trauma all at once. Things will be wonderful here! Just you wait and see.. hehe.. HAHAHA… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!! Heh..”

  (Smash cut to the title: THE LAST CONTESTANT in a dramatic JRPG font—except it isnt lmao so enjoy!)

  END OF EPISODE 1.

  Quibble:Stix:

  Wade: