Tammy- Underneath Dungeon Of Greed

  Tammy set the wriggling sack down at the steps of the obelisk, gazing around in wonder at Patrick's chamber. Last time she was here, she had been too preoccupied to look around much after he had descended from the ceiling like the answer to all her darkest prayers.

  There was a small entranceway just large enough for a single person to pass through at the very base of the colossal ziggurat's stairs. She shook her head; that wasn’t why she was here today. Tammy very carefully started pulling the happy sleeping bundles from the bag they had all been napping in.

  “I don’t get why I can’t keep one,” Jeb whined from behind her.

  Edith immediately shot back. “You wouldn’t even remember to feed it.”

  “I would too. I always wanted a real pet of my own.”

  Tammy sighed deeply in embarrassment as her family bickered behind her. Distracting herself with the adorable little bundles of fluffy love in her hands, she neatly set one kitten and two puppies down into a tiny padded dog bed she pulled from her pack. Tammy patted the cat fondly, nervously eyeing the ancient bloodstains on the ziggurat.

  “Man, I really hope Patrick doesn’t want to eat you guys.” She whispered quietly enough that her family wouldn’t hear.

  One of the puppies was some kind of brownish-white mop of a thing with more curls and fluffy eyes than anything else. The other was a miniscule little shorthaired tube full of adorable spite and the bravery of a honey badger. She picked up and cradled the sausage-shaped puppy, starting to feel really worried for their fate for the first time.

  Patrick Jump scared the shit out of Tammy, nearly making her drop the puppy by answering her concern out loud. “No, good hells no, I don’t want to eat them; I want to understand them. The little snippets I had of the monster I stuffed a fragment of myself into were utterly baffling before that shard went on its way.”

  Hank bowed low before the dripping horror. “What do you mean, oh great dweller of the moist cave?”

  Patrick narrowed his unfathomable eyes slightly. “Don’t like how close that was to a water descriptor, Hank… Moving on… the puppy running amok above, I briefly had control of it before… Well, something happened; it's doing its own thing now, anywho… I wanted to understand what power it is these fluffy, seemingly useless creatures have over all of you. I sense no magic. No compulsions roiling across your minds. Not even brain-piercing larva.”

  Tammy stuttered, “What, what do you mean, power? It’s just a puppy.”

  “YES EXACTLY,” Patrick roared across the chamber. “Look at you even in the seat of my power surrounded by unfathomable danger. You face the closest thing to a god you will ever know, and yet even now. You hold the wee ball of fluff to your chest protectively as if it’s the most natural thing in the world without even questioning it. Mortals seem utterly incapable of not trying to coddle and protect these things! If I could discover why and harness that unknowable, unfathomable power, it's not that none could stop me. It’s that no one would even try!”

  Jeb let out a long, wheezing, questioning sound while scratching his head really hard; the rest of the family simply looked utterly flummoxed. Then he brightened like he understood. “Oh, you mean they’re cute!”

  “Yes, that is cute! I heard the champion Thrognar use that word several times while he waded through the center of a battle to aid my shard.”

  “wouldn’t really call Thrognar a champion” Hank mumbled a bit bitterly.

  Patrick's whole frame shifted slightly towards Hank. “Oh, so you are confident you could slay him in single combat?”

  Hank chuckled nervously. “Naw, now, I didn’t say nuthin bout that.”

  “MMMhmm… As I was saying, the champion waded through to save the cute creature. One last question to confirm my suspicion.” He shifted towards Tammy again, as she was the most well-spoken of the bunch. “Define cute for me…”

  “Well, I mean, it’s just cute!” She gestured at its floppy little ears and toe beans.

  “As I thought, a shared mortal experience that none can explain. I believe I have stumbled upon one of the ancient laws of the universe. If I can master this cute. Harness it. Revel in its hidden power; I will be a match for any god.” Patrick rubbed a half dozen tentacles together rather villainously.

  “Uh-huh...alright, oh great one, so what’s next?” Hank prodded, trying to pull Patrick from what was just turning into villainous snickers as he inspected the kitten.

  Patrick carefully scooped up the still-sleeping kitten and stared at it with dozens of eyes, pressing it right up next to his face.

  “Uhh, boss?” Jeb tried.

  “Hmmm? Oh yes…” Patrick shook himself from whatever thoughts he had spiraled into. “Well, there’s still a decided lack of Greed’s core I’m seeing.”

  Tammy grimaced. “Yup, yup. On it… just need to not get eaten by a mimic. Or attract the attention of a bunch of weirdly carnivorous loot bugs.

  “Don’t forget the psyche-melting spider, or the nearly infinite traps greed could unleash if he noticed,” Patrick added “helpfully.”

  Tammy paled a bit further. Hank piped up from the back, “Does the great patron have any advice for those who are but tadpoles under his watchful gaze upon the waters?”

  Patrick closed his eyes in sheer frustration for a moment. “Again, change the metaphors, please. But my advice is to wait until there’s a big enough distraction that he can’t worry about why his soul is jiggling around. If there isn’t one, make one.”

  ***

  Egbert - Max’s Tavern

  Max rubbed his hand down his face in sheer frustration. “Greed, can you please start that entire explanation from the top? All I understood was that you are starting some bizarre sub-currency within the dungeon? And people need to pay to have the chance to get it and then pay to earn prizes? Like what? Are you having a stroke? Can dungeons have strokes?”

  Max wandered over to the nearest patron while Egbert sputtered in indignation. Ted, the patron he was pouring a nice midmorning beer for, looked over towards the evil pet rock. “It ain’t just him Greed; I don’t have a damn clue what you were talking about either.”

  “I wasn’t talking to you, Ted! Why are you always here when we have these conversations?!”

  Ted shrugged, “I don’t have much to go home to since the missus died and the kids are grown, off at apprenticeships now. I’d rather get bitched at by a one-legged barkeep and apparently a dungeon than just wallow at home alone.” The few other nearby patrons looked over with wide eyes at what was promising to be a damned interesting conversation.

  “Oh hells, sorry Ted, I didn’t know.” Egbert weakly responded.

  “Well, you didn’t ask before, and I ain’t gonna burden nobody if they don’t ask. Now get on back to your explanation Greed—I'm going to try and muddle my brain around it; it sounded pretty interesting.” Ted tipped his tankard back and leaned against the bar, waiting.

  Egbert started again hissing out from the rock across the bar. “Okay, so! Greed points—you earn them by completing bounties and challenges across the dungeon. Beat the loot pit to get a point. Beat contempt and get five points!”

  “I feel like certain death should be worth more than five points.” One of the gnomish artificers mumbled over their mug.

  Egbert shot them a venomous glance that they couldn’t see and forged on ahead. “It’s an example the amounts aren’t final! Now. You take these points and spend them here! At the tavern! I’m going to install a wonderful little station on your porch for it next to the scrying screen and the trap triggers!”

  “Do I get a cut?” Max asked hopefully.

  “Do I get rent max?”

  This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

  “Yeah, never mind. I don’t need a cut.”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “So…are you ever going to finish the fungal maze and Contempts cathedral, or are we just jumping to another new scheme first?” Max asked, genuinely curious.

  “Pfft, don’t rush me, Maze perfection takes time! Also almost no one has even tried to go into the cathedral. Or into the Banner bug castles—this should change that!

  Egbert went to the dead center of the porch and opened up his status screens. He was hoping the shop had been fixed.

  Oh hell…

  It wasn’t fixed. It was basically the opposite of fixed. The system had apparently decided he needed some changes.

  [Please note: Store advancement removed, Divinity Trackers added]

  Due to concerns, changes have been made. After review, it has been decided that the store offered unfair opportunities. Multiple monsters under your control are also vying for Divinity. This has now been noted as a core feature of this dungeon, and appropriate adjustments have been made.

  [Greed]

  [Threat: High Chance Of Addiction, Low Chance Of Death]

  [Wealth: Successful Local Business]

  [Influence: Local Commerce Focal Point]

  [Store Progress] [Halted] [Erased store progress removed]

  Store progression has been removed for fairness' sake. The odds of Greed focusing on a single category to unlock creatures such as dragons far earlier than intended are almost certain.

  [Gold Spent 144] [Milestones 2]

  [Next Milestone: 144/500 Gold]

  [Notable Features]

  [Divine Aspirants]

  Requirements for eligibility to ascension trial: Tier-6 or higher, 10,000 faithful or higher.

  [Contempt]

  Tier-1 Level 45

  Faithful: 187

  [“Puppy”]

  Tier-1 Level 89

  Faithful: 8

  [Abnormally Hostile Loot Items]

  [Active War With Ulfric’s Academy]

  [30 Percent Chance Of Sterilization Via Blunt Force Trauma]

  [Kills 38]

  Horde: [Copper 0] [Silver 9] [Gold 28] [Platinum 1]

  Oh, you have to be shitting me!!! So what now? Do I just have to spend money and unlock new shit in a balanced way at milestones!? That's absurd and unfair! Biased! It would have been at least a year before I got dragons; I did the math!

  Everyone else gets to tweak their skills how they want! Things haven’t spiralled that far in here System. I am still very much working as intended. A few monsters with delusions of grandeur doesn’t mean you need to take my toys away!

  Egbert grumbled to himself for a bit longer before opening the store back up and noting the categories no longer had endlessly scrolling greyed-out options hinting at what he could unlock. Now there was just the simple [144/500] Gold showing his next milestone.

  Egbert just opened up the Quest board option he had seen before. That would let him magically set up jobs and bounties; the best part was he could charge for people to take them on.

  [Dungeon Quest Board][Gold5]

  It’s a classic pick-a-Job-board! Except for the dungeon designs the jobs, and the rewards! Want your delvers to raid Twitch's stronghold and try and steal his “totally not drugs” for a laugh, go ahead! Or, as you seem to be planning, set bounties on your more powerful respawning monsters and offer greed coins As a reward? I'm not going to lie, you lost me a little bit in this convoluted but I'm sure brilliant scam you are cooking up right now.

  Expensive but necessary—here we go! Ohh, I'm excited; this seems so much less janky than half the other things I've been doing to make money.

  [Copper 0] [Silver 9] [Gold 23] [Platinum 1]

  A really impressive rectangle of forged steel with golden and crystal embellishments popped into existence just above the porch landing with a heavy thud that cracked one of the floorboards. Seconds later its surface glowed with pure white mana before an illusionary image sprouted from its surface, projecting a pristine gold-bordered corkboard into the air above itself. For now it was empty, but Egbert could tell all he had to do was will the jobs into it.

  Next to the job board, he quickly added a small but very, very flashy tower of marble swirling with gold and the slightest shimmer of mana. He even added a small collection of fireflies that were nearly free from the store to really make it stand out more.

  In the marble tower was an unmissable coin slot that the fireflies flickered around promisingly. It was larger than a normal coin slot, closer to the size of a small plate. That was because Egbert planned to make the “Greed points” a medallion-sized coin that really made you feel special when you got one so you would forget about all the gold you spent to get it.

  Beside the “Point Tower,” which Egbert wasn’t sure what to actually call yet, was where adventurers would cash in points for rewards. Beside it was a large instructional placard written as idiot-proof as Egbert could manage.

  “Introducing Greed Points! Complete bounties and dungeon quests to earn Greed Points!”

  “Greed Points may be spent here for unfathomable wealth.”

  At the bottom of the placard he had a small list of prices.

  100 Points—Ask Boo to remove someone from the premises.

  100 Points – 86, a motherfucker from the tavern

  50 Points—Loot Bug WAR

  10 Points—Fancy Lootbox!

  5 Points—Lootbox!

  5 Points—Mana Font Token!

  2 Points—Monster Be Gone Day Pass

  2 Points- Zip-Dust Taste

  1 Point—Tavern Meal

  1 Point – Tavern Beer

  1 Point- Inconvenience another adventurer

  HAHAHHAHH ahh yes! That is going to make me so much damned money! And here you go, Max. No, you won’t make any kickbacks from this, but it will be a nice roundabout way for me to collect some rent from you.

  Max wandered over, reading the list in interest; his face twisted in concern when he saw the low-cost items. “Hey, I get paid for these, right?” Egbert didn’t answer. “Hey Greed, I get reimbursed for the food and drink…” He said in a slightly defeated tone this time, knowing damn well he wouldn’t.

  Max wandered off, grumbling to himself, “Goddammit, I can’t even bitch too much; I’m getting a fucking silver for ale in here.”

  MHHHMMmmm, glad you realize your privilege now! Let's assign some quests for people.

  Egbert had a lot of fun with this part, trying to judge how much a job should cost to accept for his cut based on how likely people were to accept it and how many Greed Points it would pay out based on how much it would suck to try and do. He started with what he considered a damned near impossible challenge for most mid-level delvers.

  Dungeon Quests

  Full Solo Dungeon Clear: Cost 50 Gold, Reward 50 Greed Points

  Clear the entire dungeon without needing to be saved by anyone or requiring aid. All challenge rooms must be completed and all named monsters defeated. You may not leave the dungeon for the duration of this quest, or you lose.

  Defeat Contempt: Cost 20 gold, Reward 10 Greed Points.

  Good fucking luck; if you die, it isn’t on me.

  Defeat Boo: Cost 8 Gold, Reward 5 Greed Points

  Please note I will not be paying for your psychiatric care after your playtime with the resident horror.

  Defeat Bubba: Cost 7 Gold, Reward 4 Greed Points

  Don’t forget there’s an entire army in there to deal with as well. I'm betting most of you guys will just get yeeted out of the tower, to be honest. I doubt he would kill you on purpose. Don’t think he would be terribly torn up if he did it on accident, though.

  Defeat Twitch: Cost 7 Gold, Reward 4 Greed Points

  While you definitely won't have as many organized minions to fight through to reach this boss, please let me be utterly clear on one thing. This psychopath will one hundred fucking percent EAT YOU and then frolic in your remains. So, uhh…godspeed?

  Defeat Remorse: Cost 7 Gold, Reward 4 Greed Points

  I mean, he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Hell, he isn’t even going to be that hard to find, but he will be in a knee-high swarm of myconids, and he hates you with a fiery passion. Honestly, taking him on will make his day to an uncomfortable extent. Will also one hundred percent try and eat you.

  Defeat the Loot Pit: Cost 3 Gold, Reward 3 Greed Points

  You have 2 hours after you accept this to successfully open the chest in the loot pit room on HARD MODE. Bring some fireproof britches and ghost-be-gone spray, or you are going to be cooked alive while Oliver Twist’s undead cousin shanks you for your doubloons.

  Touch Bully’s Castle: Cost 2 Gold, Reward 2 Greed Points

  Don’t get caught. Seriously, DON’T GET CAUGHT. If he gets his mandibles into you, you might well end up as a damned ornament on the floor of his lair. You at the very least are going to get maliciously mugged.

  Catch a Loot Bug: Cost 2 Gold, Reward 1 Greed Point

  I had to throw at least one softball in here for you poor bastards so that those of you who don’t actively have a death wish still have a chance to earn some greed points. Buuuttt, I'm not thhhaatt nice. After accepting this quest, you have twenty minutes to catch one before the quest fails. Better get moving, tick-tock.

  Egbert decided that that had to be good enough from now on; he had a massive list of tasks ranging from hard but doable all the way to ‘near suicidal donation of gold before feeding yourself to the dungeon.’

  Adventurers were already starting to crowd around the new board and the reward station in excitement. A burly bastard shoved a smaller adventurer aside with a sneer and scrolled down the list slightly.

  Egbert wasn’t familiar with him; he had on a set of blackened scale mail armor that moved like it was made out of something expensive and magical, and he was armed with a mace and shield combination, an abnormal mix for delvers. But what really set him aside, other than being a line-cutting asshole, was his helm.

  The damn thing was carved from some kind of bone and inlaid with metal all across the surface in the shape of a snarling dragon's head. It was gaudy and expensive, probably magical based on the gleaming red eyes, and Evgbert really wanted to steal it. He didn’t even know what he would do with the damn thing, but he wanted it.

  Come on, big feller, be dumb; pick something that’s going to let me [Gimme the gold!] your shit.

  The brash man scoffed at the cheaper options and scrolled all the way to Defeat contempt.

  No…even you can’t be that dumb.

  He paid the hefty toll and rolled his shoulders menacingly before selecting the quest that would have him face the rising god of death.

  Well shit, I guess I'll [Gimme the Gold!]. Whatever chunks of you are left… Damn, maybe if I ask nicely, contempt will just go for a clean beheading and not mess up your armor at all… But I doubt it; that asshole barely listens to me.

  Egbert hopped back into the pet rock for a second. “Good luck on your mighty quest to slay the diminutive Bug and his foul illusionary magics, oh great, brave, and mighty adventurer!” The brash man puffed up at that and set off towards the Cathedral of contempt. The regulars in the bar all slowly turned towards the rock.

  He is super dead.

  Max was the first to break the awkward moment once the new guy was out of sight. “God’s greed, you just fed that poor fuck to Contempt.”

  Ted piped in from the side. “Fuck him; he cut in line.”

  “Yeah, Max, he cut in line! And I want that damn helmet,” Egbert finished the last bit quietly.

  Everyone else went back to browsing the quests. Egbert started zooming around the dungeon now that he had some more passive income about to be rolling in. He had the ability to set rules in the dungeon, and it was high time for him to start getting a few in place.