(h4p+3r /\/u11

  "Pugsley?" My voice was swallowed by the emptiness of the ship.

  It was clear as day that the man standing before me was an adult version of Pugsley... The best Pugsley, the one from Addams Family Reunion.

  What was he doing here?

  "There was no Clay." His voice came out hollow, like those creepy girls from The Shining.

  "What do you mean? Where is everyone?" I looked around the ship. Why were we alone?

  "You aren't welcome here." At first I thought his voice was echoing, but as I turned my head, I realized that I was suddenly surrounded by thousands of passengers, except none of them had faces. They were all speaking in unison. "You ruin everything. Why don't you just die?"

  "I understand why they would say this... But you too Pugsley?!" I felt betrayed.

  "What are you?"

  My head spun around to the source of the voice. The deck of the ship became a convenience store, and the world had gone black and white. It looked very familiar. I recognized it as the Quick Stop Groceries store from the movie Clerks. The source of the voice was the Audrey II plant from Little Shop of Horrors.

  "I don't understand." My head was spinning. Nothing made sense. I felt the impending glare of copyright lawyers looking for an opportunity to make a quick buck, but even they'd be too confused to make sense of this.

  "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" The voice coming from the giant man-eating plant belonged to that god.

  "Are you doing this?!" I screamed, struggling to come to terms with anything going on around me.

  The only response I received was the gaping mouth of Audrey II engulfing my entire body, thrusting me into darkness. The only source of light I could find was coming from behind me. I turned around to come face to face with the famous painter Bob Ross... Except he was as tall as a sky scraper.

  My view of Bob Ross was surrounded by a pitch black frame, as if I was looking out from one of his paintings. Behind him, I recognized the studio where his PBS show was filmed.

  "Hi Clay." His voice was comforting. It was actually Bob Ross's voice. I stared in silence, not sure how to react. "You must be scared."

  "Who is your friend, Bob?" Another giant approached. He was slender and wore a cardigan. I recognized him immediately... Mister Rogers.

  "Bob Ross? Mister Rogers?" Two of the most perfect human beings to ever exist stood in front of me. The terror that had been building immediately melted away.

  "Fred, this is Clay." The gentle painter said. "He's lost and afraid."

  Mister Rogers took in Bob Ross' words and nodded, thinking carefully to himself before speaking.

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  "Well, Clay. Look for the helpers." He said with a smile that melted my anxieties. "You will always find people who are helping."

  The last thing I ever wanted to do was contradict Mister Rogers. Telling Mister Rogers he didn't know what he was talking about was like trying to stop a punch from Chuck Norris... Impossible, and you're wrong for even trying.

  "I'm scared..." I found myself oddly willing to show my vulnerabilities. What was this? Trust?

  "How about I just draw this friendly little dog." Bob Ross said as his giant paintbrush got to work on the space to my right. I should have been afraid of the massive object, but I watched in awe. He pulled the brush away, revealing Dalos. "It'll be our secret."

  "I don't deserve your kindness... I keep messing everything up! I just make everything worse for the people who rely on me!" I found myself shaking with self loathing as the painting version of Dalos nuzzled against my leg. He left a trail of sticky black paint on my shin.

  "Clay, we don't make mistakes." The afroed painter said calmly. "We have happy accidents."

  Before I could respond, the ground under me disappeared. I found myself falling into a seemingly never ending void.

  I wanted Mister Rogers and Bob Ross back.

  As I continued to fall deeper into the abyss, my mind was overwhelmed with thoughts as if I was falling through my own memories. As soon as they appeared, they vanished into nothingness. I was hollow. I was a blank slate getting splashed with chaotic thoughts like a Jackson Pollock painting, only to immediately be wiped clean.

  Why were the protagonists in romance anime so oblivious? It's like their love interest would say "I love you and want to date you." and they said "I wonder what that means? I bet they hate me."

  I was going through a box of my old books and I found a book for The Good Son, that Macaulay Culkin movie where he was a little psychopath. Why did I get a novelization of that movie? Why did anyone make a novelization of that movie? Was I the target demographic? What did that say about me?!

  At least once per day I thought about how in the first high school scene of Twin Peaks there's a random person that danced off screen. Out of everything in the show, that was the most disconcerting.

  A&W restaurants launched an aggressive campaign for their third-pounder burger to combat the popularity of McDonald's quarter-pounder. Because Americans suck at math the campaign failed. Too many people thought a quarter was bigger than a third. I missed A&W restaurants.

  In every shot of the movie American Pie, you could find a copy of Playboy magazine. They never repeated the same issue twice. Nobody ever talked about how wild that was.

  In Junior High, I saw the girl I had a crush on writing my name in her notebook surrounded by a bunch of hearts. Her brother had the same name as me. I assumed she meant her brother when writing in her notebook, and that any attempts she made to get close to me were just acts of politeness. Was I an anime romance protagonist?!

  I couldn't eat cereal anymore because I'm reminded how John Harvey Kellogg invented Corn Flakes in an attempt to stop masturbation. It wasn't a boycott or anything, I just couldn't separate the idea of cereal and masturbation.

  The order of the Mighty Ducks movies never made sense. They were a peewee hockey team... Then they magically represented the USA in some sort of youth Olympics... Then they were a JV hockey team for some high school?! They couldn't even make varsity? I think Adam Banks was on varsity, but the rest of them were JV.

  I always get the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, the Michelin Man, and the Pillsbury Doughboy confused. Did all white mascots look the same to me? Was that problematic?

  Why couldn't I remember anything of substance about my past? The trivia stayed in my head so I had a never-ending stream of tangents, but the things that should have mattered were lost. What that because of my ADHD?

  I wondered how many people tried watching American Pie to look for hidden Playboy magazines in every shot. I told that lie to a lot of people, did they really believe me? Was that why nobody trusted me?

  Would I ever get to see Tara again?

  Why did Joan always seem to have so much faith in me?

  What should I do about Cathy?

  I remembered an anime called Midori no Hibi about a guy whose hand transformed into a girl who had a crush on him. What was going on in Japan? Were they alright?

  I watched an anime called Midori no Hibi about a guy whose hand transformed into a girl who had a crush on him. What's going on with me. Was I alright?

  Was I dying?

  Was all of this the most pitiful life-flashing-before-my-eyes moment ever?

  What would happen to Dalos if I died? Our lives were contracted... Would he die too?

  If I loved mustaches so much, why didn't I ever grow one?

  My thoughts cleared. Then my eyes opened to the inside of the Icosagon.

  I was laying face-down near the edge of the cage. The Dimensional Shambler's hand landed on the ground, inches from my face. Attached to it was Dalos. Not-attached to it was the Dimensional Shambler.

  Dalos had bitten the arm off at the Shambler's forearm.

  "Don't eat that, Dalos." I said. "You don't know what dimensions that thing's been in."

  I climbed to my feet and faced the eldritch abomination.

  It was time for Round Two!