Chapter 12

  "... So I was originally going to go for Nami, but then I found out that the Witch was actually an option. But in order to get her heart events, I would have to kill off a ton of my farm animals, purposefully pass out a bunch, litter a bunch, give her something like ten thousand gifts, and even then you can't really do anything until after the fifth Harvest Festival." As we made our way to the location on Cathy's map, I had somehow gotten on the topic of romanceable characters in Harvest Moon DS.

  Joan had gone from being standoffishly annoyed to just being her regular level of annoyed. Pumping her full of random pop culture tangents had a way of healing all wounds while creating new ones. In my defense, the topic of Harvest Moon DS bachelorettes was related to the situation of having to romance Cathy. I always found it easier to understand something with an example instead of just listing off a bunch of facts and rules.

  "So you did this... For fun?" I saw her eyes judging me. "Why didn't you just go for that Nami character? Wasn't she easier?"

  Honestly, I was surprised Joan was even taking part in the conversation. It was easier to accept her constant judgment when I could tell she was actually listening.

  "I mean, Nami was the tomboy character. But the witch was all dark and brooding, and I really liked her look, especially her hair." I said as I remembered the character. The most identifiable feature was her long... blonde... hair. Dammit! Abort the conversation! I hoped Joan wouldn't prod too much into what I liked about the Witch's hair. "Besides, she was a special character, so there's always something to be said about going the difficult route."

  "You do realize she was just a bunch of pixels... Right?" Joan raised an eyebrow.

  "It's not like I acted like I was dating her in real life. That's not the point of dating elements in games... I mean, yeah, there are some people who take things a little far... But especially in games like Harvest Moon DS, it wasn't like that." I tried to explain while hoping to convince her I wasn't some kind of pervert. It was difficult because Joan had little-to-no experience with video games. It wasn't like I had a body pillow and figurines of the Witch from Harvest Moon DS... I was loyal to my actual waifu, Rem from Re:Zero. "The game was a farming simulator with life simulation elements. Marriage was just a side element of the game... But if you're going to play the game, why wouldn't you choose the character that appeals to you the most?"

  "This Witch character was the one you picked. What was it that you said about her hair?" To her credit, it did seem like Joan was trying to understand.

  "The point is that she's a special character." I desperately changed the topic from the character's obvious similarities to the blonde woman walking next to me in both hairstyle and personality. "I think Cathy is most likely going to be something like a special character or secret romance route."

  "So we need to kill a bunch of farm animals and pass out a bunch?" She asked. At this point, I couldn't tell if Joan was actually confused or just messing with me. Even though she was likely being sarcastic, I already had a head start on passing out... But I wasn't letting any harm come to my precious pets, farm animals or not.

  It's alright Dalos, daddy will protect you.

  Coincidentally, Dalos nuzzled against my leg at that precise moment. Granted, he was always cozying up with me, so it wasn't a strange occurrence... Still, he had impeccable timing.

  "No, but I suspect it's something along those lines. For Harvest Moon DS, doing things like killing farm animals, passing out, and littering were majorly counterproductive to the succeeding in the game... And even though it's just a game, it still messes with your conscience to do some of the things required to win her heart." I explained as we continued to navigate through the maze of streets. "I think Cathy likely has some hidden requirements along her route. In a video game, I'd just use a guide because it would be highly unlikely to figure the requirements out on my own, but there's no game guide here."

  I regretted the direction this conversation had taken. It was important to get Joan to understand the game mechanics I had to consider when planning to romance Cathy, but the more I explained it, the more I realized how helpless the situation truly was.

  Joan must have recognized my quickly spiraling composure since she didn't press the issue further. Instead, we walked in silence for the final leg of our journey.

  Unfortunately, just because Joan hadn't pushed the conversation any further, it didn't mean that my brain stopped obsessing over possibilities. Even though I had no actual way of knowing, I tried to predict the sort of secret triggers Cathy might have in order to complete her romance route. In a best case scenario, it would be completing some task related to her. In a worst case scenario... The Witch required killing farm animals... Would I have to kill someone I cared about?

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  "We're here." Joan pulled me from my depressing thoughts. "Are you sure this is the best choice? It's obviously a trap, especially the password you were given."

  "Our only other lead is going to Cathy's club." I sighed. "She gave me this task. I have a feeling if we met with her before I followed her instructions, it might upset her. I doubt that god gave me any wiggle room, so a single mistake could mean completely locking me out of a good ending."

  My response was met with silence. If I had to guess, Joan didn't disagree with my decision, but just wanted to make sure I was committed to the obvious death trap.

  At the back of a nondescript alley, we found a nondescript door. Over the nondescript door, there was an oddly eye-catching sign. From what I understood, prohibition era speakeasies tended to not have big signs advertising that they were an illegal den of alcohol and other crimes. It would be like a drug dealer getting customers with one of those sign spinner people.

  The sign read Hyperborea, which was a pretty badass name. I was sure it was a reference to something, but I had no clue what it might have been.

  "Clever." She said to herself with a chuckle.

  I was tempted to ask her what she meant, but my eyes were locked on the door underneath the Hyperborea sign. This was my last chance to chicken out. I could feel the pressure of the situation as if that god had a loaded gun prodding the back of my head. Unlike the first investigation, I didn't have the luxury of trying to play things safe.

  I knocked on the door.

  "Go away. We already met our quota for humans today." A gruff voice spoke as a slot slid open around eye level in the center of the door. An unfriendly pair of eyes glared at me through the slot.

  We already met out quota for humans today. The words definitely sent a chill up my spine. It was possible they were just joking around since humans couldn't actually understand their language. To Joan and any other human, their words came out like a sort of dog-like howl, but I had the Eldritch Whisperer skill that allowed me to understand the language of intelligent eldritch creatures.

  Was I the only player who could complete this task?

  Aside from just bursting in with violence, it dawned on me that it would be impossible for any of the other players to communicate with the two gangs connected to the investigation. The investigation was literally impossible for the other players.

  The extent of that god's trap came into focus. Not only did the completed investigation require me to accomplish the unsurmountable task of getting a mysterious woman to fall in love with me, but the entire rest of the investigation was an immovable barrier to all players except myself. That god gave the other players the out, saying that if I was killed the investigation would be considered complete. But given what I now understood about the contents of the investigation, the other players had no choice but to work to kill me. It all seemed like overkill. I would have much rather preferred the stereotypical Bond villain who would set up a single trap and walk away. That god had a plethora of traps, and I had to think there were more I hadn't discovered.

  "Cathy sent me." As much as I tried to steel my voice, it came out weak.

  The door's slot slammed shut.

  After what seemed like eternity, the door swung open revealing two large... gentlemen? They were big hairy cave man looking creatures, supposedly Voormi. Their upper body was covered in a thick layer of reddish-brown hair that almost looked like a thick wool sweater vest. Their arms were fully exposed, pale-gray, and muscular, leading to four-fingered hands with sharp claws. Oddly, both Voormis had on black dress pants, nice shoes, and black bowler hats. Their heads had large mouths that were unable to contain long fangs, pointy ears, sunken eyes, and absolutely no sign of a neck.

  "What's he playin' at Bill?" One of them snarled to the other. "You think he understands us?"

  "No way, Ted." The other one replied. I groaned at that god's name choices. Then again, it was still better than Townsperson #48. "Humans are too stupid."

  "But we're still gonna kill 'em, right Bill?" Ted said as he cracked his creepy knuckles.

  "He said that Sea-Bitch's name, so we gotta, Ted." Bill agreed. Apparently Cathy wasn't too popular with these guys.

  "Ummm, any chance we can talk this out? Or maybe settle this with a game of rock, paper, scissors?" After listening to them do their back and forth comedy bit, I decided to enter the verbal fray.

  "Did you hear that, Bill?"

  "I heard it, Ted."

  "That one talks, Bill?"

  "He's too ugly to be a Voormi, Ted."

  "He's really ugly, Bill."

  "I'm right here, guys! I have feelings!" I pushed back. Was I really that bad looking? I glanced back at Joan, but she was staring blankly. I assumed it just looked like we were barking at each other.

  "We hurt his feelings, Ted."

  "I feel kind of bad, Bill."

  "Should be let 'em through, Ted?"

  "We gotta kill 'em, Bill."

  "Do I have a say in this?" I pleaded.

  "No!" Both of them shouted as they apparently ended their comedy bit and prepared to fight.

  Joan and Dalos stepped forward. Joan had summoned her pen, and Dalos had barred his teeth. I took the opportunity to pull my segmented staff from my inventory.

  "Let's not kill them if we can help it." I said to the two killing machines next to me. Blonde-killing-machine sighed but nodded. Furry-killing-machine let out a little whine before stepping back.

  The Voormi doormen had red highlights from the moment they exited the door, which was Read the Room's way of letting me know they intended to inflict harm on us. I didn't see anything to tell me they were especially strong or weak, so I had to assume we could win this fight.

  As both attackers charge, Joan met one with an impressive punch. The Voormi named Bill left his feet and slammed against the wall next to the door. We still have +5 to our strength, dexterity, and constitution stats, but Joan's strength seemed a little too OP.

  Not wanting to get out-classed by my partner who finished her fight in a single punch, I prepared to attack... He went down immediately.

  I smashed him in the nuts with my segmented staff.

  "Aren't you even a little bit embarrassed?" Joan asked as she watched Ted roll around on the ground howling in pain.

  I shrugged.

  Victory!