They all stared at the man in shock. It was definitely Captain McKinnon – Chase would have recognized him anywhere, despite their brief time together, as he could never forget the voice that had given a speech that terrible. Not to mention that Victoria had immediately known who he was.
The Captain peered past Victoria and saw Chase and Carmine standing there, and his eyes lit up. “Carmine? Chase? What are you two doing here?”
Chase exchanged a glance with Victoria. “Well, uh…”
“You both really shouldn’t be here,” Captain McKinnon said. “This isn’t a place for kids, and it’s especially not a place for you, Carmine.”
“Wait, hold up, I’m confused,” Victoria said. She motioned towards Carmine. “She’s a Demon.”
“Yes, I’m aware.”
“And yet you don’t hate her and want her dead?”
Captain McKinnon shrugged. “Eh. She seems alright.”
Everyone fell silent for a few seconds.
“...That statement somehow simultaneously makes the least sense imaginable, and yet is also the single most normal, simple-to-understand sentence I’ve heard all damn day,” Carmine conceded. “And just for that, I say… you’re alright yourself, Captain.”
The Captain crossed his arms. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re all here. And, for that matter, weren’t there four of you, last I checked?” He paused and looked around. “Whose clothes are these? And why do those panties have skeletons on them?”
“Good question,” Chase said.
Before Captain McKinnon could ask anything further, there was a sudden, loud moan of pleasure from inside the Knight-Commander’s tent. It had obviously been from Melanie; from the sound of things, she was having a good time, at least. Hopefully, that meant Heinrich was as well.
“What was that noise?” McKinnon asked.
“It’s nothing,” Victoria hurriedly said.
At that moment, Melanie loudly moaned again. McKinnon’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t think that’s nothing.”
“Clearly, there’s a loud ghost in the camp,” Chase hurriedly offered. “Probably the ghost of one of those Demons the Commander had murdered.”
“Can’t be; everyone knows Demons don’t have souls. No offense, Carmine.”
“None taken, you’re still alright,” she said. “Even though you’re wrong.”
He breathed a sigh of relief at that, then shook his head. “Look, I don’t know what you all are trying to pull, but-”
“Melanie is currently having passionate, ball-slapping sex with your Commander,” Carmine deadpanned. “We had her seduce him because it was the only way we could think of to stop this Crusade before it claimed any more lives. We figured, the Commander is a pious man, and he’s a figurehead to the troops – an inspiration, if you will. If we were to take that piety away, well… suddenly, he’s just another dirty old man. How many people will follow him then? Probably not many. So yeah, we set Melanie up with him, and from the sounds of things, the two of them are currently getting it on like rabbits in heat.”
As if to punctuate her statement, another loud moan erupted out from within the tent, this time joined with a quieter one that was unmistakably male in origin. Captain McKinnon’s brow furrowed.
“…That is either the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard or a stroke of genius, and I’m not sure which it is,” he confessed.
“I guess it depends on whether it works or not,” Chase offered.
“Well, I mean… he’s definitely not pious or pure anymore, if that’s what you’re asking. So, in that sense, mission accomplished, I guess.”
“Great. So we can just let Melanie finish up, then we can leave.”
To his dismay, Captain McKinnon shook his head. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Commander Heinrich was supposed to address the troops, you see. If someone doesn’t say something to them, then they’ll get suspicious. They might even try to interfere before the deed is done, so to speak.”
“Oh, fuck me, are you serious?” Chase complained. “You’re genuinely telling me that we now how to worry about fucking coitus interruptus, after every-fucking-thing we’ve been through to get here?!”
“Unfortunately, yes,” the Captain said. He crossed his arms.
“Hang on, what do you mean, unfortunately?” Victoria asked. “You make it sound like you’re on-board with this idea.”
“Not necessarily the idea, but more so the intent behind it,” McKinnon confessed. “Truthfully, I don’t want to be here, either. I don’t think these Crusades have ever led to anything good for the world overall, just more misery. As a Captain of our Order, however, I was still obligated to be here, and so I had to show up, much as I disagreed with it.” He let out a sigh. “I must commend you all on your efforts, though I don’t think it’ll be enough.”
Chase was about to let out an endless tirade of four-letter words when Carmine cut him off.
“Not necessarily,” she announced.
“Huh?” Chase asked. “What do you mean?”
“Well, he just said the Crusaders are expecting a rousing speech soon.” Carmine’s gaze slid over to Captain McKinnon, and her eyes narrowed. “So I say we give them one.”
XXX
A short while later, and Chase was still standing atop the slightly-raised encampment outside of Knight-Commander Heinrich’s tent. The two of them were still absolutely going at it inside; he could hear everything as it happened, whether it was moans of pleasure or the sound of flesh slapping against flesh.
It was perfect for what they wanted to accomplish.
Victoria and Carmine were flanking him on either side. They hadn’t bothered to cover Carmine’s horns; the whole camp had seen them by now, so there was no point to it. Besides, if anything, covering them up would just be a detriment to what they were trying to do next.
Captain McKinnon stood in front of the three of them, his back to the Commander’s tent. He swallowed nervously before looking back at the three of them.
“U-um… are you sure I have to do this?” he asked.
“Yes,” Carmine said bluntly. “You want to end this Crusade before it can get worse, right? Well, this is your chance.”
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
The Captain hesitated. “R-right, but… um… can’t someone else-”
“Nope.”
"Damn it… I was afraid you’d say that.” He let out a long, exaggerated sigh. “Okay, okay… rousing speech time, here we go.”
He cleared his throat, then cupped his hands around his mouth.
“Hey, everyone!” he shouted out as loud as he could. “Over here, please! It’s important!”
The hundreds of Crusaders stationed near the portal suddenly froze, then looked over to where the Captain was standing. For a moment, Chase was worried they were just going to stand there, but then they started walking over, filing in to stand between the tents.
And it wasn’t just them, either – more Crusaders came out from elsewhere in the camp and began to file in. Within mere moments, it seemed like every square inch of space between the tents had been filled up by men and women in armor.
Captain McKinnon swallowed nervously. “H-hi, everyone… um… the Knight-Commander trusted me to g-give a rousing speech, and-”
“Hang on, what?” one of the other Crusaders asked. “Where is the Commander, anyway? We’re supposed to deploy in like two minutes!”
“W-well, you see-”
At that moment, Melanie let out an extremely loud moan from within the tent. Instantly the excited murmurs that had gone up through the crowd at the prospect of a rousing speech died, as everyone collectively focused in on the sounds of their commanding officer losing his virginity.
And, true to the plan, Captain McKinnon began to speak.
“S-so, um… we’re all Crusading, right?” he began. “A-and like, uh… that’s good. But the Demons? Well, the D-Demons, are bad… very bad… Except for some of them, who are alright.”
“You’re still alright, too, Captain,” Carmine deadpanned.
Captain McKinnon swallowed nervously and pointed a thumb in Carmine’s direction. “L-like her, she’s cool. And some of the other Demons can also be c-cool. But the ones who assaulted the town? Not cool. Not c-cool at all, even. So that’s why we’re here, to kill some bad Demons.”
“Oh, fuck!” Melanie suddenly gasped out from within the tent. “Harder! Twist them while you fuck me! Please daddy!”
“A-anyway, um…” Captain McKinnon stammered. “Yeah, so… it’s like this – we’re all here because we want to do right by our f-families and G-Gods, yeah? So, let’s go out there and give ‘em as much hell as we can. J-just, you know, not literally… because we’re trying to take hell from them, you know? Like, we want to capture it, not… um… give it back. S-so, I guess that saying makes no sense, but… heh… It is what it is, I guess.”
By this point, every single Crusader was watching in wide-eyed, slack-jawed silence. Between the sound of Melanie and their Commander getting it on, interspersed with bits of the Captain’s speech, they didn’t know how to react.
Finally, just as Captain McKinnon cleared his throat and prepared to start speaking again, one of the other Crusaders spoke up.
“Man, fuck this,” he declared as he threw down his weapon. “I signed up to kill Demons under the command of one of the most stoic, pious Paladins to ever walk the face of the planet, not… whatever this bullshit is. I’m fucking out of here, dude. It’s not worth it if this is the kind of shit I have to put up with, and not with a horndog of a commander, either.”
To punctuate his statement, the man ripped his helmet off and threw it on the ground, then began to walk away. For a moment, he was the only one… but then, several others began to follow his lead. Several more followed after him, dumping their weapons and armor into the dirt and leaving it behind as they walked off. Before long, the entire army was following the leader, each and every one of them leaving their gear behind as they stomped off, clearly disappointed in the man they thought was worth following.
Chase watched it unfold, a wide smile on his face. As he watched, though, there was activity near the portal. He tensed, along with Carmine, Victoria, and McKinnon, a hand drifting to his weapon as several people came bursting through the portal.
“Run away! Run away!” the female Captain yelled as the rest of her men burst out from the portal behind her. “Gods above, close the damn portal, somebody!”
One of the other Paladins facepalmed, then he and several others stepped up, their hands aglow. They all worked together to shut the portal, and were just in time to seal off a small army of Demons that were advancing upon it. Just before it closed, Chase looked through it, and noticed the Demon Queen standing at the very front of the pack. The two of them locked eyes, a surprised look crossing over her face. Chase gave her a small nod.
To his relief, she nodded back, and stopped dead in her tracks as the portal was finally fully shut.
Immediately, Chase breathed a sigh of relief and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked out around the camp, noting how the Crusaders were scattering. Word seemed to have gotten around about what was going on between their Commander and Captain McKinnon’s horrible speech, and the people who had just returned from the Demon Realm looked just as dismayed as the ones who’d been there for the speech. As Chase watched, the new arrivals soon joined their former comrades-in-arms, throwing down their weapons and armor before walking off completely.
Soon enough, there was just an empty camp, populated only by the three of them, and the two occupants in the tent, who were still going at it by the sound of things.
“Fuck me…” Carmine breathed as she approached Chase. “Holy shit… holy shit… I can’t believe we actually fucking pulled that off…”
“I know,” Victoria agreed. “I guess your plan wasn’t so stupid after all, Chase.”
“Oh, come on, give yourselves some credit, too,” Chase told them. “This wouldn’t have been possible without you all, either.” He looked over towards Captain McKinnon. “You too, Captain. Thanks for giving that awesome speech.”
“Awesome?” he echoed. “That speech was a travesty! It was so bad the entire army just quit!”
“I beg to differ, Sir. On the contrary, I think the proper way to look at that speech is… it was so awesome, it ended a whole-ass war before it could escalate into something truly awful.”
Captain McKinnon paused for a moment as he considered Chase’s words, only for a smile to break out across his face a second later.
“I guess you’re right,” he conceded.
“Damn right, I’m right,” Chase said. “Now, then-”
At that moment, movement caught his attention. Three figures clad in plate armor and helmets suddenly stepped out from between some tents, weapons held tightly in their hands. The four of them all tensed, their hands falling to their own weapons, though it proved unnecessary as the lead Crusader among them reached for his helmet and pulled it off. Immediately, Chase stared at the man in shock.
“Leon…?”
Leon stared back, equally in shock.
“Alright, seriously,” Leon said. “What the fuck did you kids just do?!”
XXX
Name: Chase Ironheart
Level: 6
Race: Human
Class: Warrior
Subclass: Swordmaster
Strength: 20 (MAX)
Dexterity: 15
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 13
Constitution: 18
Charisma: 16
Skills: Master Swordsmanship (Level 10); Booby Trap Mastery (Level 8); Archery (Level 4)
Spells: Rush (Level 7); Muscle (Level 4); Stone Flesh (Level 6); Defying The Odds (Level 1)
Traits: Blessed
Name: Carmine Nolastname
Level: 6
Race: Greater Demon
Class: Arcane Witch
Subclass: Archmage
Strength: 10
Dexterity: 13
Intelligence: 19
Wisdom: 19
Constitution: 12
Charisma: 8
Skills: Master Spellcasting (Level 10); Summon Familiar (Level 10)
Spells: Magic Dart (Level 7); Magic Scattershot (Level 5); Fire Magic (Level 5)
Traits: Blessed
Name: Melanie Vhaeries
Level: 6
Race: Ascended Human
Class: Necromancer
Subclass: Arch-Lich
Strength: 8
Dexterity: 13
Intelligence: 18
Wisdom: 16
Constitution: 15
Charisma: 12
Skills: Raise Lesser Undead (Level 10); Raise Greater Undead (Level 3); Unorthodox Weapon User (Level 8)
Spells: Touch of Death (Level 5); Gravesinger (Level 7); Armor of Bone (Level 3)
Traits: None
Status Condition: Euphoria
Name: Victoria Firelight
Level: 7
Race: Human
Class: Paladin
Subclass: Devotee
Strength: 17
Dexterity: 9
Intelligence: 13
Wisdom: 13
Constitution: 19
Charisma: 11
Skills: Swordsmanship Mastery (Level 5); Blunt Weapon Mastery (Level 8); Archery Mastery (Level 5)
Spells: Holy Light (Level 6); Ward of the Gods (Level 5); Bane of the Undead (Level 7); Divine Bolt (Level 4)
Traits: None
