Mug and I practically ran to the courtyard, doing our best to get out of there before someone flagged us down to deliver bad news or make an impossible request.

  “Hey, Trashcan! Wait!” Too late. I internally sighed as I stopped and turned around. Technically I could anchor my sight however I wanted to on my body, but it felt weird to have my feet facing away from someone who was speaking to me. It was the Princess Evelinda, AKA Vivi, and her burly bodyguard Athella. Vivi’s blonde hair had been disturbed by the speed at which she approached, and her ornate and expensive-looking skirts were gathered in her hands. Athella looked at me the way a large cat might view a particularly small and gross insect.

  I bowed deeply, or as deep as a trashcan on suit of armor legs can bow. I realized that Vivi had been communicating with me via note like everyone else I didn’t like, and Recycled two Earrings of Messaging for her and Athella.

  ‘Ah, your royal… princessesness? What can I do for you?’ She glared at me in response. Geez, kill a guy for manners.

  “Don’t give me any of that fucking ‘oh, your highness’ bullshit! Especially not after… well, you know.” She blushed slightly. I did know; even if it hadn’t looked dignified, I had saved her life.

  ‘Sorry. I just don’t want to presume anything, you know? I mean, it never looks good to gloat, right? No one wants to have their life saved by the guy who goes out of his way to tell you he saved your life.’ She nodded as she took in my point.

  “Yeah, fair enough. Still! Trashcan! Er, Lugenhelm! You did save my life! I’m sorry I hadn’t had a chance to thank you properly. I was a little, er, fucked in the head by almost getting skewered by a goddamn fucker with a glowing knife. It’s quite a mindfuck, almost dying.” I could agree with that. I had almost died three times in the past week. If I let myself think about it, I would probably go catatonic and sit in one place like a real trashcan for at least a month.

  ‘No thanks needed, your highness. I wasn’t lying when I said I want to save your kingdom,’ I lied. Okay, it’s not that I didn’t want to save Aeternia, it’s just that I seriously doubted that I could. When it came down to it, I wanted to put on my oxygen mask before I put on Aeternia’s. Preferably someplace far away, with perhaps a beach.

  Vivi glared at me for a second, then squatted down to my level. Her eyes softened, and for a second she looked less like an angry foul-mouthed noble and more like a scared but grateful young woman. “Well, thank you Lugenhelm. Really. I would have died. I’m sure of it. The rebels, they hate my father… and mother… and my brothers and me. They would have… well, thank you.” I was touched.

  ‘Again, no thanks needed. Just glad to see you upright still.’ She nodded and stood back up, then turned to Athella. “Athella, give them my monthly allowance. We don’t need it. Lugenhelm, if there is anything else you need, do not hesitate to call on me. My parents are going to treat you horribly, but just know that you have one friend in this shithole dump heap. Er, no offense to your current form.”

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  None taken, especially not when Athella produced a leather sack from inside her armor and dumped a pile of gold into me. Fifty additional gold pieces! I didn’t know the going rate on saving a princess, but an upfront fifty gold didn’t seem that shabby!

  ‘Princess, thank you! Likewise, if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. We’re at the old bakery on… well I don’t know our address, that’s something I need to find out. But still, if you ever need a job done only a Lugenhelm can handle, don’t hesitate to call on me!’

  She gave me a suspicious glance. “You’re not really a ‘Lugenhelm’ are you? Is that real? Or just something you told my father to not be thrown in a compactor?” I gulped internally.

  ‘Well, who can say what is real and what isn’t? I mean, I am doing my best to help the house of Freise prosper, and if you kinda squint just right I think I qualify as a holy spirit…’ She laughed and slapped my side.

  “Oh, don’t worry about it. Whatever you are, you’ve been nothing but helpful. I have to go now; I told father I was running off to the privy. Enjoy your day, Lugenhelm!” She waved and turned to leave before an idea struck me.

  ‘Say princess, where would a guy like me go about acquiring spells or magic items? Not junk ones, no offense to what you gave me last time, it’s actually been very helpful. But you know. The real deal?’ She stopped and thought for a second.

  “Well, there’s a few shops here in the city with the kind of things you might be looking for. I would recommend The Wayward Waystation first and foremost. Your goblin might know where it is. That is the same goblin as before, right? He looks… bigger.” Mug blushed at the compliment. I guess when a pretty princess told you that you looked larger it carried more weight than when a couple of lowly guards and an inept king said the same thing.

  ‘I’m sure we can manage. Well, thanks again princess! Enjoy… doing whatever princesses do all day!’ She rolled her eyes and turned to walk away again. Athella didn’t move at first, watching me like a bronze statue. After a few seconds, she squatted down and leaned forward to whisper so that only I could hear.

  “Just so you know, trashcan, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you, and I can probably throw you a half mile. Thank you for saving Vivi, but I can tell that you’re lying about something. The first reason I get to scrap you, I’m doing just that. If you value your ‘life’, stay in your bakery and don’t bother the princess. Understand?” I stomped as if I was standing at attention. She glared for a few moments before swiftly standing up and following Vivi.

  Well, at least half of the duo liked me. I had to take the wins where I could get them. I sighed to myself and turned to leave again, Mug trailing behind.

  “Master Lugenhelm, what did she tell you? Did she… did she perhaps ask about me?” I nearly fell over. So it wasn’t just Aranya; any suitably large, dangerous woman could have Mug’s affections.

  ‘Yes Mug. She asked about you. She wanted to know what you’ve been eating. Come on, Romeo, take me to the Wayward Waystation. I’ve got an inventory of gold coin burning a hole in my metal.’ He took the hint and didn’t press. It was always interesting in the capital, that was sure, but now I wanted to do something different. So far, my upgrades were basically random based on what I Devoured. Today, I wanted to pick something intentionally.

  If I was going to survive, I was going to need more than the leftovers and scraps I had used so far. I needed real firepower.