ImmortanJoJo

  I paused the video, leaned back in my chair, and took an exhausted breath. “Dammit…” I muttered with closed eyes and wondered what to do with the remaining time in the day.

  It’d been two hours of me just sitting here watching random documentaries, and nothing else had progressed. I had canceled my D&D session that night when a pyer crucial to the plot I had pnned bailed due to medical issues. Honestly, I couldn’t bme them. Even though I knew it was better for them to sleep than to try to make it through one of my sessions exhausted, I couldn’t help but feel a little down about it.

  For most people, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but games with friends were the only way to break up the monotony of my everyday life. I’d wake up, take two steps to my computer, work, py games, eat, sleep, wake up, take two steps to my computer, work, py games, eat, sleep, and so on. A cycle that had been on repeat for six years straight, with only the tabletop game and my online buddies being the bumps to interrupt it. It was like I was stuck in Groundhog Day.

  Opening my eyes, I gnced at the time. It was already two in the morning. I had to be up for work in seven hours. “I should probably go lie down,” I muttered to myself, turning to the bed directly behind my computer. I stared at it for a few moments, contempting. The thought of waking up the next morning and shuffling to this exact computer was not appealing.

  The only change brought by the pandemic two years back was that some of my computer time was repced with work from home. Doing tech support from the comfort of my personal desk chair was appealing at first, until living and sleeping in my office began taking its mental toll. To make matters worse, I shared the trailer I lived in with my brother Matthew and his family, meaning I didn’t have much space in my life.

  “I could just call out…” I said. “Stay up and do some more prep. Maybe write.” I watched as the time ticked over to ten minutes after two. Already, that much time had passed as I sat there wondering what to do.

  “Screw it.” I groaned and turned back to my PC. “If I’m going to do that, I might as well go buy some energy drinks.” I pushed my chair back and stood up with a sigh, then stretched my arms out, arched my back, and grunted when it popped pleasantly.

  I swapped out my comfortable Star Wars-themed pajamas for a pair of used jeans I grabbed off the floor and slid my feet into my sneakers. I then tossed my also-worn, bck zip-up hoodie over my green shirt and shuffled out, stopping off at the bathroom to relieve myself and wash my hands. To wake myself up more, I spshed some water on my face, looked up at the mirror, and blinked.

  “God, you look like shit.” My crusty blue eyes flicked over my short, wavy blonde hair and thick beard. I gnced at my razor and trimmers and contempted doing a quick shave and once-over with my brush, but… decided against it. “I’ll do it when I get back,” I lied.

  I grabbed my car keys, then headed out of the trailer. With the door firmly shut and locked behind me, I drove to the 7-Eleven just down the street. I could’ve walked there, but I didn’t feel like it. The walk was ten minutes, and though it was only early summer, Midwest America could get pretty chilly sometimes.

  The gas station was just off the intersection of two highways. Even at this time of night, the pce received a steady stream of business, with four other vehicles parked and a white truck getting gas. I slid my car into an open parking spot and got out. Without much of a care for the world, I popped my wireless earbuds in and began to listen to a pointless documentary about the history of Monopoly as I walked into the store.

  Immediately I was hit with the smell of cheap fried food and alcohol. At the front of a small line, a tall, pale-skinned man in a white hoodie and baggy gray sweatpants with enough piercings to buy a cheap house seemed to be arguing with the clerk. The man was jabbing his finger towards the truck outside, though I paid little attention as I went to the freezer in the back.

  Cotton Candy, Rainbow Unicorn, or Star Bst—who the hell comes up with these fvor names? I thought as I opened the freezer and knelt. I swore half of these fvor names had to have been just a handful of marketing dudes sitting around, ripping some hard joints and blurting out the first thing that came to their minds. Like Radical Skadattle… Who the hell came up with this? That’s an actual fvor name, by the way, and nothing about it describes what you’re buying.

  Anyways, as ridiculous as some of the names were, I had bought most of these fvors before, Cotton Candy being the most pin, Star Bst being pretty baller, and Rainbow Unicorn… that one just left me conflicted. But Radical Skadattle, I’ll be honest, I was a bit too scared to try that one. I guess you could say it made me skedaddle away! Ha!

  A small tag said it was a buy two, get one free deal. I’ll probably just take one of each, then, for the sake of variety. I reached for the cans.

  That’s when I heard it. Over the sound of my Monopoly documentary, a woman shrieked and the two men up front shouted. I straightened up and turned to see everyone in line bolting towards the door. The clerk put his hands up as the man in the white hoodie pointed something at him. A firearm.

  My stomach dropped, and my eyes darted towards the exit, where a young couple scrambled out. Being at the back of the store, I could easily go along the edge, follow them, and skedaddle just like the can suggested.

  Before I made my move, I took one more gnce at the terrified clerk. He was inching towards the door behind the counter while staring at the weapon thrust at his chest.

  I muted my video. This wasn’t going to end well.

  “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” The clerk raised his voice, but it was overpowered by the attacker.

  “I dun’ give a fuuuck!” the gangbanger slurred. “I’m tired of you dead motherfuckers rippin’ me off! All you bastards are the same!”

  “L-Look, man, I’m sorry! Whatever happened, it’s cool.” The clerk inched back. “If you want money, I’ll open the register.”

  “I don’t want your fucking money! I want you de—”

  I had no idea why I chose to do what I did. I wasn’t a hero or particurly brave. Stupid, maybe. Most likely. Before I could begin my escape pn, my body moved on its own. Taking a few swift steps forward, I arched my back and arm and wound up a perfect throw before pelting the gun-wielding maniac in the back of the head with the can of Star Bst.

  “Gyaaak!” The Jeweled Criminal choked as he stumbled forwards into the counter, one hand cradling the back of his head, stunned.

  I always imagined that in moments like this, I’d be someone cool. Like after beaning the man in the back of the head, I’d say some one-liner, such as, “Time to open a can of whoopass.” Or, “I’ve been aching for a beatdown and today is your lucky day.” Or some bullcrap like that.

  Unfortunately, I am not cool. Instead, in a pathetic, shrill and panicked voice, I shouted at the clerk, “Grab his gun!”

  Yet the man behind the counter was also not me, in that he wasn’t stupid, nor brave. Instead, he turned and bolted through the door behind the counter.

  You coward… I whined, which in hindsight, was not fair of me. The guy totally made the right call getting the hell out of there. In the moment, though, I felt abandoned. I was whimpering and shaking as the hooded man looked back at me.

  Immediately I turned to run when the man held up a small revolver. A searing pain erupted in my upper back, and before I knew it, the hard tiled floor came rising to meet my face.

  I felt like I was drowning. Hot liquid filled my mouth; I could hardly breathe. I gagged and gurgled what I could assume was my blood. There were distant shouts, then a cacophony of banging and sirens.

  Fucking hell, I’m dying! I’m fucking dying!

  I tried to call out for help, yet all that came out was gore and vomit.

  No! No! For fuck’s sake, this can’t be how I go. Please, not like this.

  My vision faded. A bright light shone above me, and briefly, I saw what looked like a man and woman. Their voices were distant, yet I could faintly hear, “He’s going into shock! C’mon, hang in there! We’re almost at the hospital; stay with us. Look at me! Look at him—we’re losing him! Get the defibriltor.” And then silence…

  Suddenly, warmth, slime, and an unfamiliar musk assaulted my senses. A woman’s screams assaulted my eardrums, and a violent force shoved me forward as I struggled to breathe. I gasped and choked for air in the cool breeze wafting over me. My body felt weightless as something firmly grabbed and yanked me upwards into the sky.

  My mind panicked. What the hell is happening?!

  My insides ached. My lungs felt sore, and my guts were flopping all over inside me as an otherworldly force tossed me around as if I were in a dream or a nightmare. When I opened my eyes, everything was blurry, distant shapes.My mouth opened, letting out what I thought would be a cry for help, yet what I heard was not my voice. It sounded more akin to that of a baby…

  Whatever had kidnapped me abruptly halted my flight and flipped me onto my back, revealing my nether regions for all to see.“Woohoo!” I heard the giant shout before they started speaking something that wasn’t English. Before I could think, I was once more twirled around in the air, and the giant pulled me so close to their face that the blurriness cleared to reveal a handsome, young man with bright-green eyes and short, brown hair grinning at me.

  My screaming ceased as my eyes narrowed on the unfamiliar being before me. I died and went to hell. What is this?

  The man smiled widely and then hoisted my tiny form over to the other blurry figure. Large, slender hands suddenly wrapped around me and clutched me gently as I began to scream with renewed panic. Whatever dream this was, I’d had enough; I was done. No way was I going to be stuck in this form around these gargantuan heathens who would dare viote me and toss me around for their amusement. However, my protests were put on hold when the gentler giant put me into a cradle alongside something soft and plump.

  Once again, a voice I couldn’t understand spoke up. But this one was tender, yet also oddly scolding. Confused, I just froze up. I had seen this once on Animal Pnet: if I curled up like a possum near whoever this giant thing was, I’d try pying dead. Then they’d, like… toss me away or something? That was when I’d perform my escape. As for how I would do that, I didn’t know yet. The pn was still in the, well… pnning phase. Still, I’d py dead and try to think about what the hell happened.

  A few minutes ago, I was at a 7-Eleven. I was wondering who the hell names a drink “skadattle,” and then, what… a robbery happened? I did something stupid, and I got, what? Shot, I think. I just remembered pain. Lots of it. Maybe I did get shot. Maybe I was in the hospital, and I was just on some crazy hard drugs right now. That’d expin why I didn’t currently feel any pain.

  Despite me trying to py dead, I couldn’t help but feel the big smile on my face as I came to the realization. I was just tripping major balls right now. High as a kite on the peak of cloud nine. Or was I just mixing metaphors?

  Either way, this was not what I expected.

  My thoughts were interrupted when, leaning towards me, the figure who cradled me pulled me close enough that their blurry appearance came into view. She was a gorgeous woman with striking blue eyes and short bck hair that was matted with sweat, her cheeks flushed red with exertion, yet as my eyes drank in her features, what stood out to me most were her ears. They were long and pointed, like the ears of an elf from a fairy tale.

  The giant woman spoke to me and gave me a perplexed look. I heard the man who jostled me around say something before chuckling, and the woman smirked before taking her free hand and pulling down the loose cloth over the soft, plump thing. She revealed her bosom and nipple to me, and at that very moment, as I ogled her breast, it clicked.

  Or maybe I got reincarnated…

  The path I’ve chosen to walk is one I know will lead to misery. Many will see me as the vilin. Let them. You may not agree with me either, but soon you’ll understand, for this is what I’ve created you for. Hate me if you will, but know in the end that I am right.