A Day Full of Kobolds

Posted 4 months, 22 days ago., on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010, at 12:33 pm
Tags:Woe is Richard

Remember that swarms of attacking kobolds is the metaphor I’m using for depression. Winston Churchill spoke of the black dog that followed him everywhere as a metaphor for his own depression (though I think he was actually bipolar — I’m sure that someone with a better knowledge of history can correct me on this), and I didn’t want to steal his thunder. So for me it’s kobolds. It’s funnier if you’re a Dungeons and Dragons geek like me and know that lone kobolds are weak and easily defeated, while a big swarm of them can be a serious threat to reckon with.

Anyway.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called “double depression”. With double depression you get to feel constant low-grade depression — dysthymia, for those who are curious — interspersed with bouts of more serious depression. The dysthymia isn’t incapacitating or even all that serious, doesn’t have any specific cause, and can even lift for days at a time. You get used to it, sort of like that low-grade pain in your back that you don’t even notice until it’s gone for some reason. You can get good at acting as though it doesn’t exist; you can act cheerful with your co-workers, your friends, even your loved one.

But the low points — the dips, as it were, or major depressive episodes — really can be incapacitating. You wake up, having slept for eight to twelve hours, feeling exhausted and as though you have to wind yourself up, like a child’s toy, just to get out of bed. Nothing holds your interest. Even typing on your computer keyboard seems like a chore. There’s a hollowness in your chest, an emptiness in your solar plexus, that demands you just curl up and ignore the world around you. Daily maintenance chores — showering, shaving, brushing your teeth, taking medications (among which are, ironically, anti-depressants) — are skipped just because you don’t have the energy. Interacting with co-workers is okay, because it’s a distraction and because you’ve mastered the art of hiding your feelings, though it’s too easy to just call in sick and sit at home eating and watching television or surfing the web (and you probably would if you had any sick hours left and hadn’t squandered them all already). Being at work sucks because, in spite of the “attaboys” and “good job” comments you get from your boss and co-workers, you can’t help feeling like you’re screwing up and are on the verge of being fired at any moment. Above all you spend the day on the verge of tears without really knowing why.

Hope is elusive. You feel as though nothing good will happen, that nothing good will ever happen. At the same time, you also feel as though everything good that has happened has been due to undeserved good luck, or just a plain old fluke. I also have trouble writing, because of the above-mentioned chore of sitting at the keyboard and typing, and because I’m convinced nothing I write — short stories, novels, whatever — is marketable, let alone publishable. In this mood, it’s difficult to motivate myself to do any writing at all. Works in progress stay untouched for days, possibly weeks, at a time.

At least, that’s how I experience a day when the kobolds are attacking in swarms. Your mileage may vary.

Lunch hour’s just about up, so I’d better finish this up. Do you have days when the kobolds attack? How do you experience them? It’d just be nice to know that I’m not the only one.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 13th, 2010 at 12:33 pm and is filed under Woe is Richard. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

3 Responses to “A Day Full of Kobolds”

1. Lynn C says:

   April 13, 2010 at 12:53 pm

   You’re definitely not the only one.

   Now, I’m bi-polar (compounded by what I consider the stupidest mental problem in the world… “situational anxiety.” I mean, come on! Could anything sound more no-duh-ish? Of COURSE if there’s a situation, I’m going to be anxious! Further compounded by a horrible case of Co-dependency.)

   One of the things people don’t understand about bi-polarism (a better phrase, at least, than manic-depressive) is that the mania phases really aren’t ANY BETTER than the depressive phases.

   I’ve been working for years on handling my mood swings (for me, it tends to be between depression/don’t want to do anything/apathy/self-hatred to feeling like I can’t possibly get everything done that I want to/need to, but trying anyway, self-hatred for being so slack as to get so far behind, rejection for all the work as being “not good enough”.

   I’m religious about keeping track of my moods so I recognize warning signs when I’m about ready to head in either direction. I’ve found if I can structure my manic periods (keeping a to-do list handy is helpful!) I can actually be constructive during those times. Likewise, I know when to bail on social obligations (really, you don’t want me and my mania anywhere near your party, I’ll drive you NUTS!)

   Now, keep in mind, I haven’t been on any anti-depressants for going on 8 years now, so I just *deal* with my problems. I hate anti-depressants. As I’ve said a few times, I’d rather feel bad than not feel anything at all. (thank you warren zevon)

   I’m a crazy-list maker, and that’s helped a lot. I keep lists of things I absolutely MUST get done, no matter how terrible I feel (it’s generally a pretty short list. you’d be surprised by how little you can actually get away with and still function) and then, if I need to, I give myself permission to flomp on the sofa and hate everything and everyone. I find it’s easier to crawl out of depression if I know there’s not a HUGE pile of obligations waiting for me when I get out there.

   (as an example, I one time in a bad depressive phase, didn’t pay the bills for like 4 months. By the time I crawled out from under my rock, I was like $1500 in the hole to various creditors and utilities.)

   Reply
   • Richard S. Crawford says:

     April 13, 2010 at 1:03 pm

     I know what you mean about ending up in debt like that after a depressive period. I’ve had my car insurance canceled, and also run out of not just sick leave but also vacation leave because of major depressive episodes.

     I’ve occasionally been told that I should be evaluated for bipolar myself. That doesn’t really make sense to me since my “up” periods aren’t really that “up” — they just seem normal.

     I’d forgotten in my post to even mention the self-loathing and just plain annoyance at the self that accompanies a “kobold attack” but they’re definitely part of it.

     Reply
2. jer@nyquil.org says:

   April 16, 2010 at 8:07 am

   I’ve been reading Code Monkey, and was planning to ask you how much of David is really you, on account of how accurately you portrayed so much of what he’s feeling — but that seems pretty clear now.

   Me you and David sound like we have a lot in common

   Reply