LITTLE FLUFFY WIGGLETOES TRIUMPHANT

©2009 by Richard S. Crawford

about 1,300 words

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Good morning, everyone! Isn’t it a nice day outside? Well, it’s time for Story Hour again, and I have a new story about your favorite little bunny, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes. I have to be quick, though, because one of you kids has a mother who’s a real bitch, and she called the police on me, so I have to go before they get here. Won’t it be exciting when the police show up? Do you remember what I told you to do when you see a policeman? That’s right, Little Susie, you kick them in the shins and run away.

So when Mallory recovered from his swoon, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes and the rest of the Critters’ Committee for Democracy in the Meadow went on to talk about their plans for taking out President Cottontail and returning true democracy to the meadow, even though Cottontail had been elected by a very large majority of the voters.

“The point isn’t that Cottontail was elected by a very large majority of the voters,” said Wentworth the duck. “The point is that unless he’s ousted, then democracy will truly not be served, because then the person we voted for will be President!”

Kindly Miss Paddletail nodded her pretty little head. “Yeah! He should be kicked out of the President place and then he should marry me.” Kindly Miss Paddletail, just like girls everywhere, didn’t understand politics. All she wanted to do was get married, which is all that little girls should think about. You should remember that, Little Christie. Also cooking dinner and having babies. Also, Kindly Miss Paddletail was retarded. But I’m sure you’re just as smart as all the other girls, Little Christie.

“We need a broad agenda,” said Little Fluffy Wiggletoes, whose ambitions lay far beyond merely overthrowing Peter Cottontail. While the other critters seemed happy enough to just control the meadow, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes wanted to take over the entire world.

Mr. Toad said, “Well, Master, what sort of agenda do we need?”

“Once Peter Cottontail is gone,” said Little Fluffy Wiggletoes, “then we will have control over the meadow once and for all. We have to start thinking bigger after that. Or else we’ll just end up in the same place we are now, with a democratically elected president that we don’t like.” See, boys and girls, that just like at school when a kid you don’t like gets elected class president. Even if everyone in the class but you voted for him, you still don’t like him so you have to beat him up. That’s what grown-ups do. Also, a girl should never be class president. Do you remember the word we have for girls who try to be president? That’s right, children, that word is uppity bitch.

“How do you know that’s true?” asked Wentworth the duck.

“Oh, it’s true,” said Little Fluffy Wiggletoes. “I saw it on the History Channel. Genghis Khan kept all of his men happy and motivated by keeping them occupied with invading and taking over other lands. We need to do that.”

“Well, how are we going to do that?” asked Mr. Toad.

“Yeah, and how am I going to get President Cottontail to marry me?” asked Kindly Miss Paddletail.

“Oh I know how you feel,” said Mallory, as he gave a longing look toward Wentworth the Duck. Mallory, as you know, liked to pretend to be girl duck, which everyone knows is wrong, right? Are you listening little Jimmy?

Strawberry, who was a very shy little bunny who hadn’t said anything at all so far in the meeting, raised her hand very slowly. She knew, you see, that girl bunnies should always get permission to speak from the boy bunnies before they say anything.

“What is it, Strawberry?” asked Little Fluffy Wiggletoes.

“I was just wondering, Mr. Wiggletoes, do you have a plan? I mean, do you know how we’re going to overthrow President Cottontail? I’m just a girl, so I don’t know anything about these things, but I was just wondering, you know?”

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes knew that Strawberry was right, even though she wasn’t supposed to be. “We’re going to Wal*Mart to buy weapons,” he said. “I have a preferred customer card in the guns department. Then we’re taking the guns and rays to Wentworth’s workshop to modify them. I have a lot of ideas.”

So Little Fluffy Wiggletoes and the Critters’ Committee for Democracy in the Meadow marched down to Wal*Mart where they cleaned out the entire firearms department. Little Fluffy Wiggletoes even bought a new X-Tro 200X Hypno-Ray of Doom — you remember, the one that looks like a lollipop — because his old one had been blown up by Peter Cottontail.

After that, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes and all his new friends went down to the Big Clearing, where Peter Cottontail was giving a big speech to all of the other animals. Almost every animal was there, except for Little Fluffy Wiggletoes and the Critters’ Committee for Democracy in the Meadow. The first thing that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes did was to shout out, “Hello all you inhabitants of the Meadow! I am Little Fluffy Wiggletoes, and I am here to liberate you from the fascist tyranny of Peter Cottontail!”

To his great surprise, nobody cheered. Now what do you do, children, if nobody likes what you’re doing and everyone thinks you’re wrong? That’s right, you do it anyway, but you do it louder and with more violently. So Little Fluffy Wiggletoes and all of his friends took out all the guns and bombs that they had bought at Wal*Mart, and started shooting at Peter Cottontail. Everyone started to scream and shout, and Little Fluffy Wiggletoes thought that was the neatest noise he had ever heard.

He knew it couldn’t last, though, so he took out his X-Tro 200X Hypno-Ray of Doom and held it up in front of him. “Everyone, pay attention to me!” he shouted. And when they looked at him, they were all instantly hypnotized. “You are now all under my control, and you will do anything I wish.”

“Yes, Master,” all of the other animals said at once.

“Wait a minute,” said Wentworth, “this wasn’t part of the plan! We were just going to liberate everyone, but you’ve just enslaved them to you!”

“Yeah!” shouted Kindly Miss Paddletail. “Also you killed Peter Cottontail! How is he supposed to marry me now?”

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes held up his X-Tro 200X Hypno-Ray of Doom to Wentworth, who immediately fell under its influence. Then he held it up to Kindly Miss Paddletail and said to her, “You will now marry me, Kindly Miss Paddletail. You should have anyway before Peter Cottontail stole you away from me.”

He hypnotized every other member of the Critters’ Committee for Democracy in the Meadow. When it came to Mallory’s turn, though, Mallory promised Little Fluffy Wiggletoes that he would be loyal and faithful without having to be hypnotized.

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes looked around the clearing, and knew that he had won, and it was the greatest feeling he’d ever had. He knew now that he was truly triumphant, and that conquest of the world was not far now.

Whoops! There’s the siren, children, so I have to go now. Remember, when the nice policemen ask you if they know where I am, what do you do? That’s right, you kick them in the shins, run around, and lie to them as much as you can.

And who knows what will happen next to Little Fluffy Wiggletoes?