Pet Ghosts

©2009 by Richard S. Crawford

about 700 words

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From the “Pet Ghosts” column in Perfect Homes Monthly, written by noted parapsychotherapist Miriam Statz on October 13, 2007.
DEAR DR. MIRIAM,
Over the past few months, my ghost has taken to wandering the streets at night. I don’t know where she goes or what she does, but it seems that every night, some new person has been tricked into bringing her back home. Every night I have to explain to some new guy that the girl he’s bringing home isn’t alive anymore. Needless to say, it’s driving us nuts! What can we do? Help!

Signed,
Annoyed in Akron

DEAR ANNOYED
Every ghost needs strict rules and boundaries, or they will get restless and start to wander; and often when they wander, they become “phantom hitchhikers”, just as yours has. I suggest setting a curfew for your ghost and enforcing it strictly. I know that many ghost owners are reluctant to enforce such rules, but they are really the only way to go.
Sincerely,
Dr. Miriam

Transcript of a testimonial for Tobin’s Spirit Retainment Systems given on air August 13, 2007 by Miriam Statz:
No one wants to become a ghost. We all want to go into the light when we die, and have an eternity of bliss. But just as some people have to pick up our garbage every day, some people have to become trapped spirits, performing those vital tasks of haunting and spooking, not to mention a hundred other menial tasks, without which our society would come to a complete stop.
So when a friend or a loved one dies, how to you convince them to stay on as a ghost? The sad truth is that you can’t. You must somehow capture the spirit as it departs the body, and maintain it in its desired task. For such a task, I recommend Tobin’s Spirit Retainment System. Tobin’s traps have caught more than 95% of the spirits they were deployed on, and every ghost captured with a Tobin trap is guaranteed to perform its assigned task for eternity.
Be assured, when I die, I’ll be making sure there are no Tobin traps around me!

From the “Pet Ghosts” column in Perfect Homes Monthly, written by noted parapsychotherapist Miriam Statz on September 27, 2007.
DEAR DR. MIRIAM,
We have a Bloody Mary ghost living in our bathroom mirror that we got just about six months ago. Lately, though, she’s been acting depressed and moody, and when our girls have a slumber party the ghost just sits and barely even tries to scratch their faces. Sometimes she doesn’t become visible at all. Our daughter is complaining that our house is the least popular on the block now, because none of her slumber parties are any fun any more. Is there any way we can help our ghost have a more “spirited” attitude?
Signed,
DESPONDENT IN DETROIT

DEAR DESPONDENT
You may find this hard to believe, but most Bloody Mary spirits are bored, despondent, and depressed by their lot in the afterlife. Very few of them, while alive, had intended to spend their eternities entertaining and frightening young girls at slumber parties, so they often grow resentful and bored.
Try finding some way to bring some more interest to your spirit’s surroundings. Perhaps leave some magazines on the top of the toilet tank for her to read, or some paintings on the wall for her to look at. Many people have found that even a few posies in a crystal vase have brought a new sense of terror and fear to their otherwise saddened and depressed bathroom ghosts.
Sincerely,
Dr. Miriam

FROM CHARLES SPENGLER, EDITOR OF PERFECT HOME WEEKLY
Many of our readers were deeply saddened to learn of the passing of Doctor Miriam Statz, who has penned our “Pet Ghosts” column for nearly four decades. Many feared that Miriam’s death would mean the end to such a wonderful institution.
Well, have no fear! Fortunately for all of us here at Perfect Home Weekly, Professor Bennett from Tobin’s Inc. was present at Miriam’s death with his latest trap, and Miriam’s spirit has been retained. So with Miriam joining our growing staff of ghost writers, the readers of Perfect Home Weekly can look forward to decades more of “Pet Ghosts” and other great columns and articles.
Welcome back, Miriam!