TEH K1NG IN Y3110W (PART TWO)

©2009 by Richard S. Crawford

about 1,500 words

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Crowds always made Hastur nervous. Especially crowds of human beings. He was not used to wandering the streets of human cities like San Augustin; in the past, whenever he’d had to visit Earth, he’d always stuck to the small towns, or even the tiny villages in remote forests or mountains, places where his cultists tended to gather. Cultists rarely gathered in the large human cities. Hastur wasn’t sure why that was, but he suspected it was because the people in the cities were just too pressed for time. When you’re in the city, it’s just too easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life. The rituals and summonings just took up too much time for the average city dweller.

SO MANY PEOPLE, Nodens mused. HOW DO THEY TELL EACH OTHER APART?

“There are subtle differences,” Hastur said. He pointed at one of the humans, one of the busier looking specimens who was rushing past, eyes downcast and feet moving so fast they were almost a blur. “That one’s a female, for example. You can tell by the bumps.”

FEMALE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

Hastur sighed. For someone who claimed to hold dominion over a realm that human beings visited regularly, Nodens was shockingly ignorant. “Um. Kind of like Shub Niggurath.”

HE DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE GLOBULAR.

“No, I mean… The female’s role in the species is to produce more of their kind.”

AH. FEMALES ARE FERTILITY AVATARS. ARE THOSE LUMPS ON THEIR FRONTS WHERE THEY EXTRUDE THEIR OFFSPRING?

Hastur shrugged. “Yeah. That’s right. Exactly.” He had no interest in correcting Nodens’s misunderstandings of human anatomy and reproduction. Or maybe he just didn’t have the energy. Whatever, he just wanted to get going. He and Nodens were here on Earth looking for an artifact that Nyarlathotep had mentioned once in a speech a few eons ago. Something called a “shining trapezohedron”. Whatever the heck that was. Hastur wasn’t even sure if “trapezohedron” was really a word. Then again, he spent a lot of time hanging out with creatures whose names weren’t really even names anyway.

Anyway, if what Nodens had come up with was to be believed, then the Shining Trapezohedron would be the key to putting a stop to whatever Cthulhu had in mind. If Cthulhu’s plan involved something called an “interstitial translator” which could somehow cause events in one layer of reality to affect events in another, then hopefully the Shining Trapezohedron would somehow counteract that and make Cthulhu’s whole plan fall apart.

What worried Hastur the most right now, though, was that he and Nodens were wandering the streets of this city undisguised. Hastur could pass as human, at least — granted, a very tall human completely enshrouded in yellow clothing and with limbs that weren’t just double-jointed but were triple- and quadruple-jointed as well. Nodens, however… Well, he, too, could pass for human, though his beard was a mass of writhing tentacles and his skin was a mostly translucent blue. The humans were staring at the pair of them, pointing and making remarks. Hastur knew enough about humanity to recognize that he and Nodens were causing a scene, but Nodens was apparently blissfully ignorant.

He grabbed Nodens’s arm. “Come on. We have to figure out where the Shining Trapezohedron is and get it and get back right away.”

Nodens nodded. VERY WELL, he said. TAKE ME TO IT.

Hastur had no idea where the Shining Trapezohedron actually was located. His intention at this point had simply been to pull Nodens off the street and into someplace where the two of them wouldn’t be observed and wouldn’t thus interfere with the people surrounding them. Fortunately there was an alley between two large apartment buildings, and Hastur ducked into it, pulling Nodens along with him.

Nodens looked around the alley and whistled low. WHAT IS THIS EXOTIC PLACE?

“An alley,” Hastur replied. He looked around and tried to think. The Shining Trapezohedron. What did he know about it? He’d heard the stories and the rumors, of course. Who hadn’t? The Mi-Go were always going on about it, like they had invented it themselves, even though it was well known to everyone that the Mi-Go hadn’t invented anything for centuries, and none of them had memories before that point in time anyway. The Hounds of Tindalos also bragged about the Shining Trapezohedron, but they were all insane. Who knew if they actually knew anything at all.

I HAD NEVER EXPECTED THE WORLD OF LIVING HUMANS TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL, Nodens said. He bent and picked up an empty beer bottle in one nearly insubstantial hand. WHAT EXQUISITE CRAFTSMANSHIP. THESE HUMANS ARE QUITE CLEVER.

“Listen, Nodens,” Hastur said. “The Shining Trapezohedron. Do you know who created it?”

NO, OF COURSE I DO NOT. I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL THAT I KNOW OF IT, AND THAT IT IS IN THE POSSESSION OF HUMAN BEINGS. ALTHOUGH… He hesitated and rubbed his chin. Tendrils of his beard entwined themselves around his fingers.

“What?” asked Hastur.

I AM NOT CERTAIN NOW WHETHER THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON IS HERE IN THE PHYSICAL REALM OF MORTALS, OR IN THEIR DREAMLANDS.

Hastur sighed. “Oh. Great. That’s not at all useless.”

EITHER WAY, I BELIEVE IT IS NEAR A RIVER.

“Why do you say that?”

THE HUMAN I SPOKE TO WHO POSSESSED IT LAST, HE SAID THAT HE HAD PLACED IT IN A RIVERBANK.

“A riverbank?” Hastur pondered that, furrowing his brows. It was awfully hot inside his outfit, but he did not dare remove any element of his clothing. This all seemed like so much trouble. Stupid Cthulhu. “Did he say which river?”

IT WAS QUITE AN UNUSUAL NAME, Nodens said thoughtfully. I AM AWARE OF A VAST NUMBER OF RIVERS. LETHE. STYX. TIGRIS. EUPHRATES. NILE. GANGES. BUT NEVER HAVE I HEARD OF A RIVER CALLED… LET ME SEE. He stroked his chin again, then dug his finger in his ear, and examined the results. AH YES. IT WAS CALLED THE FIRST NATIONAL. THE FIRST NATIONAL RIVER.

Hastur looked around. “The First National River Bank?” he asked. “Are you sure?”

YES. QUITE SURE.

“Thanks.” Hastur stepped out of the alley and into the street. He was sure he had seen it just a moment ago. And… Yes, there it was. Right across the street. The First National Bank. Whoever had held the Shining Trapezohedron last had put it into the First National Bank. Probably in a safety deposit box. Something like that.

He ducked back into the alley. “I think I know where the Shining Trapezohedron is.”

EXCELLENT. WHERE DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS?

“Hush! Keep your voice down.”

APOLOGIES. WHERE DO YOU BELIEVE THE SHINING TRAPEZOHEDRON IS LOCATED?

Hastur pointed. “Right over there. In that bank.”

THAT DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE A RIVER.

“No, it isn’t.” Hastur didn’t want to spend time explaining human economics to Nodens. The Old Gods and Elder Deities all used a strict barter system for exchanging goods and services. Explaining the notion of money, how humans stored it and hoarded it, would be nearly impossible. He decided he didn’t want to bother. “Come on. Let’s go back to my place.”

CAN WE NOT GO BACK TO THE DREAMLANDS? I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE THING IN THE PALLID MASK THAT I DO NOT WISH TO MISS.

“That’s me, you idiot. The Thing in the Pallid Mask is one of my avatars.”

OH YES. OF COURSE.

Hastur took Nodens by the arm and performed a quick teleportation. They ended up back in his apartment. Hastur immediately turned the television back on, then went to the refrigerator and took out a beer. He sat down in the sofa in front of the television and cursed the poor reception.

WHY ARE YOU NOT THINKING? Nodens asked.

“Hush,” Hastur replied. “I do my best thinking like this.”

Indeed he had a lot to think about, a lot to plan. This was going to be a bold and daring escapade, afer all. It certainly would not be the first interdimensional bank robbery that had ever been performed.

But if he and Nodens could pull this off, it was going to be the most daring.

The quarterback threw the ball. The opposing team fumbled. Hastur cursed the team, cursed the reception, and considered throwing his beer bottle at the television. And thought more about how two Outer Gods from beyond the human sphere of existence and perception could pull of the biggest interdimensional caper of all time.