LITTLE FLUFFY WIGGLETOES AND THE BIG REVENGE

©2008 by Richard S. Crawford

about 1500 words

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Did you children think that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was really dead when Peter Cottontail shot him? Well he wasn’t. What I did was lie to you. Lying is never good, is it, boys and girls? You should never lie, unless it helps you get away with something you weren’t supposed to be doing.

Anyway, after the great fight at the playground, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was indeed seriously injured, but he wasn’t dead. All that happened was that he crawled into some bushes and hid there. Peter Cottontail was so stupid that he didn’t even see the trail of blood. Little Fluffy Wiggletoes watched as Peter Cottontail euthanazed all of his future slaves, and seethed when Peter Cottontail took kindly Miss Paddletail away.

And once the sun had set, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes crawled out from under the bushes. He wanted to have revenge. You know what revenge is, don’t you boys and girls? Revenge is where you make sure that someone who did something mean to you gets what they deserve. Like maybe a punch in the nose, or some arsenic in their morning oatmeal. But before Little Fluffy Wiggletoes could have his revenge, he needed to heal up and get his strength back. Losing so much blood is hard on a little bunny.

So Little Fluffy Wiggletoes went to visit his friend Mallory the duck. Mallory had a large nest filled with all kinds of medicines that could make hurts go away and make you feel all better. Mallory was a very funny duck, because he was really a boy duck but he covered himself with brown feathers to make himself look like a girl duck. We call ducks like that “transvestites”. What’s the best thing to do to transvestites? That’s right, boys and girls, we beat them up. But Mallory did have access to the best drugs in the pond, so he was okay to be friends with.

So while Little Fluffy Wiggletoes recovered in Mallory’s spare bed and Mallory brought him more Vicodin, he started to plan out his revenge on Peter Cottontail. And finally, after months of recuperating and putting up with Mallory’s loud key parties, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was ready to go out and have the revenge he had planned for Peter Cottontail.

And what a revenge it was going to be! He was so excited about it, boys and girls, that he wished he had even more enemies that he could have revenge upon. But, boys and girls, we all know that we don’t have to have enemies if we want to do something terrible. Sometimes it’s okay to just fine someone who has said something mean to you, or even someone you don’t know at all.

The first thing that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was going to need was a pretty red wagon. All the bunnies in the forest liked to play with wagons, because they were fun for riding in and useful for carrying around carrots and lettuce and radishes and explosives. He went to WalMart, which is where any evil genius can find all the tools they need for world domination, and bought some gunpowder and some pipes. He wanted to buy some uranium, too, to make some happy nuclear bombs, but WalMart was all out of uranium. So he just bought some more gunpowder and a new assault rifle, just to be sure. And a new HypnoRay because Peter Cottontail, that puffy-toed little bastard, had broken his last one.

Later that night, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes hacked into the DMV database and found out where Peter Cottontail lived. It turned out that Peter Cottontail had married Kindly Miss Paddletail and the two of them lived under an apple tree on the north side of the meadow. Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was furious because Kindly Miss Paddletail had been his girlfriend before, and now she was married to someone else. Even if Kindly Miss Paddletail was a retard, she was still a great lay. Do you know what that means, boys and girls? It means that Kindly Miss Paddletail told very good bedtime stories.

So Little Fluffy Wiggletoes took his wagon and loaded it up with explosives, then went to the apple tree on the other side of the meadow, and carefully planted the explosive all over, just like the carrots that grow in Mr. MacGregor’s garden. I like carrots, don’t you, boys and girls? I have a great big carrot, and if you’re good I’ll let you look at it.

But before Little Fluffy Wiggletoes blew up the explosives, he decided to go to Peter Cottontail’s front door and look inside. And there he saw Kindly Miss Paddletail, lying on the couch, playing with herself.

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes couldn’t help himself. “Miss Paddletail!” he said.

Kindly Miss Paddletail looked up from her game of solitaire. “Little Fluffy Wiggletoes!” she said. “I thought I’d never see you again!”

“I’ll give you one chance, Miss Paddletail. Come away with me now, or suffer the consequences!”

Kindly Miss Paddletail was shocked that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes had said such a thing that sounded so mean. See, even though she had known Little Fluffy Wiggletoes for so long, she still wouldn’t believe how bad he was, and always thought he had some goodness inside of him. That’s because Kindly Miss Paddletail was stupid.

“But I can’t,” she said. “I’m married to Peter Cottontail now.”

“I thought you’d say that,” said Little Fluffy Wiggletoes. And with that, he burst open the door and jumped into the house. Kindly Miss Paddletail screamed and tried to run away, but Little Fluffy Wiggletoes caught her and covered her mouth and nose with a rag that he had soaked in chloroform. Kindly Miss Paddletail fell asleep right away.

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes took Kindly Miss Paddletail out of Peter Cottontail’s house under the apple tree, and carried her back to where he had left his wagon. He was just about to dump her into it when he heard a voice from behind him.

“Stop right there, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes!”

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes turned around. Sure enough, just as he had suspected, Peter Cottontail stood behind him, holding a gun.

“You won’t stop me this time!” Little Fluffy Wiggletoes said. “Go on, do your worst.”

Peter Cottontail, though, just looked smug. “You’ve escaped once already, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes. I won’t let that happen again.”

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes held Kindly Miss Paddletail, who was still asleep, in front of him so that she was between him and the gun that Peter Cottontail held. “But I have a hostage this time, Cottontail. Plus, I’m unarmed. You couldn’t possibly fire on an unarmed bunny.”

Peter Cottontail knew that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was right. But he couldn’t let Little Fluffy Wiggletoes get away with this crime. “Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll put the gun down if you take your hands off my beaver. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

Little Fluffy Wiggletoes knew that Peter Cottontail was a bunny of his word, and he knew that Peter Cottontail would never break a promise. So he said, “Fine, then. I suppose she can die along with you. Put the gun down.”

Peter Cottontail put the gun down onto the grass, and Little Fluffy Wiggletoes shoved Kindly Miss Paddletail at him. “Here, take her.”

“Thank you, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes. Perhaps there’s some good inside of you after all.” So Peter Cottontail took Kindly Miss Paddletail and led her back to the house under the apple tree.

Behind him, Little Fluffy Wiggletoes chuckled, then took the detonator out of his pocket and pushed the button. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion right underneath him! Bits of fur and fluff flew into the sky, and it rained bunny bits for days after that.

“Goodness, what happened?” asked Kindly Miss Paddletail, still woozy from the chloroform.

Peter Cottontail smiled. “Well, while Little Fluffy Wiggletoes was busy with you in the house, I dug up all his explosives and planted them right next to his wagon. So when he set them off, he blew himself up.”

“How exciting,” Kindly Miss Paddletail, just before she fell asleep again.

So Peter Cottontail took her home and put her into bed. Then he figured that since she was asleep, he may as well have some fun with her, so he took his toy cars and pretended she was a mountain range for the cars to drive over. Also, he fucked her.

Because one thing that Little Fluffy Wiggletoes did NOT know about Peter Cottontail was that he was kind of a dick.