Richard S. Crawford's World
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On with the Redneckification!
Posted 5 years, 11 months ago., on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007, at 8:25 am
Back in April, voters in Dixon defeated a series of measures which would have allowed Magna Entertainment to build a horse race track in Dixon (I liked that Magna spent thirty times more on the "Yes" campaign than the opposition, and still got defeated). We’ve already got a WalMart and more check cashing / cash advance storefronts than we really need, so what do we need a horse race track for?
But the process continues. The city’s Fourth of July celebration this year will not just be a one day affair, but a four day long extravaganza featuring tractor pulls, monster truck rallies, freestyle motocross, and a demolition derby! Yeeha!
And to top it off, the drunks wandering the streets this morning.
No, really. All I can figure is that they got pissed at the dive downtown and got lost and started wandering around the streets, and even made it into the suburbs. There was a guy in our back yard this morning shuffling around and moaning. I think he must have knocked the head off of one of the sprinklers, because half our lawn is soaked in water; seriously, it’s like a lake down there. I called the police, but there was no response at the station, which is peculiar. So I tracked down the number for the Solano County sheriff. Again, no response. I have a friend who’s a cop in Vacaville; I’ll try to get in touch with him today and see what he has to say about it.
Anyway, I opened the window and shouted at the drunk guy to get off our property, but he refused to. Just stood there moaning and swaying. He looked like death, too; skin all clammy and pale, and covered in mud. All I can figure is that he wandered into our back yard and stood on the lawn when the sprinklers went off. Then he kicked the sprinkler head off and now he’s a wet drunk, and a stupid one at that.
My wife and I are good liberals, so we have nothing in our house that can serve as a weapon of any sort. Sure, we’ve got the dry stone flowerbed in our back yard, made of stones that we set together without mortar, so if our house is ever invaded I can run out back and grab bricks to throw at people, but we have no guns and no baseball bats. And because we’re getting ready to move, we’ve already packed away our swords and daggers, which are largely decorative anyway.
The point is, when I went outside to confront this guy I went unarmed. I told him to get off our property, but he didn’t say anything, just stood there and moaned at me.
The rest is kind of a blur. Suffice to say, I went up to him and he attacked me. I haven’t been in a fight since grade school, so I was clumsy and uncoordinated, and he got in a couple of good scrapes and even bit me on the arm. That’s when I kind of went nuts and grabbed one of the bricks from the flowerbed; I picked it up in both hands and brought it down hard on his forehead. There was this awful crunch and he fell over backwards. And then I threw up.
Needless to say, I’m going to stay and work from home today because of this. I am going to keep trying to get in touch with the police, because, well, this is a homicide even if it’s in self defence. I’ve never killed anyone before, and it sucks. Jennifer went to work as normal.
Police and sheriff’s offices still aren’t responding to calls, and the local news stations aren’t showing anything useful, though CNN has apparently become the George Romero channel. I’ll let y’all know if I get in touch with any of the authorities. There was apparently some sort of ruckus in Woodland last night, so maybe that’s where all the cops are. Hard to think of Woodland as a hotbed of rioting, though.
Good luck, y’all. I have the feeling this is going to be a long day.
But just to make one thing perfectly clear: there are no zombies.
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